Miss "S" (in our eyes)

Here are some pics of my lovely sister in her Miss "S" pagaent. No she didn't win, but she's Miss "S" in our eyes and that is really what matters most! Plus in all honesty the stupid pagaent was really based on a popularity contest and not what they were all out there doing. Anyhow, without further adue.... (Oh, the lighting sucked, so that's why some of the pics are really dark.

Here is Ash showing us that she really is Miss "S".


Here she is singing during the talent portion of the pagaent.


Here she is in her formal gown right after the contest was over.


I'm so glad she even did it. It wasn't about winning with her, but more about just being involved. I love that about her!

Therapy #7

Dr. A said right off the bat that she could tell I was still well. I must give off that vibe or something. We talked about my sleeping habits for a while and she still doesn't understand. Basically I wake up several times during the night, thus not getting a good nights sleep. I am not stressed or worrying about stuff, just wake up. When I wake up it's not for any reason (ie, dream, thoughts, etc). I normally go right back to sleep, too. I told her I attributed it to clomid b/c the problem really started around the time I started taking it. She looked in this big book, which has infor on all drugs and there wasn't a "side effect" of sleep disorders, but she said maybe I was in that 1% range they don't mention b/c it's such a small percentage. I didn't mention this to her, but my hair is falling since starting it, too. Again, I think it's a side effect.

We spent the last 15 minutes listening to this relaxation exercise I'm supposed to do every night before I go to bed. It is this man talking and taking you through steps of deep relaxation breathing. I don't think I'll listen to the tape, but I do think I'll try some deep breathing on my own. The tape actually gave me a dull headache and I took a nap when we got home instead of going to the gym. Ugh! I am a fairly shallow breather anyhow, so I imagine all that oxygen got to me, which caused the headache.

As a side note, I did get a good night's sleep last night. It had nothing to do with the relaxation technique though. Eric bought our oldest dog Krissy a new bed b/c she's nearly 11 years old and is showing signs of age. Anyhow, it came yesterday and she wasn't very interested in it for some reason. Godiva on the other hand decided that we secretly got the bed for her and took it over. She L-O-V-E-S it! Normally she sleeps w/ us at night and along with that normally get ups at least once in the middle of the night. Not only did she sleep on her new bed last night, but she didn't get up a single time. She wouldn't even get up this morning to go out and go potty. She is quite funny! I'm sure she'll enjoy it, but that only means we still have to find Krissy a new bed that she likes. Here's Godiva in her new bed.




P.S.
She visited the vet earlier this week and now weighs in at a whopping 85 pounds! We feed em' well at the ranch apparently. :D

Ho-Hum

Haven't had much to blog about recently, but should have more real soon. Leaving for therapy shortly so expect an update on that tomorrow although I expect it to be pretty uneventful again.

Tonight we are going to see my sister participate in a Miss "S" pagaent. Apparently each dorm holds these pagaents, so I'm using "S" as I don't think it would be appropriate to name the actual dorm here. So I will post about that in the next couple of days including pics! Although if she's wins then I'll have to put her full title. :D

Tomorrow Jennifer will be having her first chemo treatment, so feel free to link on over to her and wish her luck. I'll be thinking of her!

This weekend a neighbor couple are coming over to watch the Purdue football game, which they will most likely lose. It's sorta fondue themed although Eric wrinkled his nose and plans on ordering pizza. C is making a beer & cheese fondue and I am making a chocolate fondue. Thankfully this was the perfect time to purchase an electric fondue pot, so I'm excited to try that out.

We are getting back into the gym routine. We went on Monday and are going again tonight. I'm hoping to get in a minimum of 3 times a week, but would like to shoot for 4-5 times a week. It felt great going on Monday although I was extremely sore yesterday and still a bit today. I don't mind the soreness though b/c I know it's obviously doing something to my body. :D

CD 24, 7 DPO

Not much to say except 1 more week to wait...

Weekend Review w/ Pics

The weekend was fairly uneventful. Friday night Eric & I were both exhausted for some reason. After he picked me up from work, we grabbed dinner then headed home and stayed on the couch the rest of the evening. Eric had a promotion to go to Friday night, so he left and I went to bed.

Saturday morning I got up early, showered, picked up my sister and headed to C'ville to meet my mom. We were meeting at my grandparents house and she was running late. While we were waiting I got a call from sister K. She was heading to my town and was going to visit us so we could see baby Caidence. However since we were in C'ville she stopped over there for a bit so I could get a baby fix. :D



She is so cute. I could just eat her up! She kept smiling at me and I even got to hold her for a while w/out her screaming in fear! I think she likes me.

After she left me, mom and Ash headed down to this flea market and walked around. Unfortunately it was quite junky this year. The only thing I purchased was ID tags for my doggies. I was nearly convinced in purchasing one of those magnetic bracelets that are supposed to be "healing". However, they were more than I wanted to pay, so I passed. My sister's ankle started hurting, so we ended up leaving earlier than expected and headed back in town to my favorite chinese restaurant. I seriously only go there for the hot & sour soup and crab ragoon. OH MY it is so YUMMY! Here we are leaving lunch.



When I got home we watched football and ran a few errands before going to bed.

Yesterday was an even lazier day. I spent basically all day on the couch. I watched a movie in the morning and then come 12:00 football started and remained on all afternoon.

That about sums up our weekend. Exciting, I know. :D

All about Me

Kitten allowed me to steal this from her. :D

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Bobby Fischer (chess grandmaster) - Woohoo, boring I know.

2. Where was your first kiss?
Ew. It was a dare and I kissed a boy on the stairs of a house I was babysitting at.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
I don't think so.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Not hard. :D

5. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people?
Yes, but not by myself!

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
Teeth

7. What really turns you on?
Foreplay

8. What do you order at Starbucks?
Non-Fat Mocha or Hot Chocolate

9. What is your biggest mistake?
Staying with one guy for all 4 yrs of high school... At least I did learned from it.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Not in a bad way. (ie. piercings, tattoos)

11. Say something totally random about yourself.
I am random.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
My husband thinks I have a similarity of Reese Witherspoon.

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Movies - Yes, TV shows - Not really

14. Did you have braces?
Not now, but twice when I was younger

15. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yea, I'm a bit short, but I use it to my benefit.

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Probably shortly after Eric & I started dating. He took me to dinner at the Eagle's Nest (rotating restaurant at the top of a building). He had made arrangements with the waitress to have my christmas present waiting at the table. After dinner we took a Carriage Ride around the circle, then on to a Christmas Musical - all in one night. Big Sweetie!

17. When do you know it's love?
You just know!

18. Do you speak any other languages?
Took 3 years of German and can barely speak a word to this day.

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
Oh yes, try to refrain these days though.

20. What magazines do you read?
Good Housekeeping, Scrapbooking, Easy Cooking(?), Red Book, whatever my MIL brings when she comes over.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes, twice. Once for a surprise b-day party Eric planned for me and once at our wedding.

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes...

23. Do you watch mtv?
Occassionally we catch Punk'd, Viva La Bam, or Pimp My Ride if there is nothing else on.

24. What's something that really annoys you?
Nail Biting, smacking chewing gum, pen clicking, back stabbing, stupidity... Shall I name more? I'm easily annoyed.

25. What's something you really like?
Getting together w/ my girls at least 4 times a year.

26. Do you like Michael Jackson?
No, I have a problem w/ child molestors (even if found not guilty)

27. Can you dance?
I think so. Not great, but I manage and I don't really care what I look like to others as long as I'm having a good time!

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
Hmmm.... Maybe 2 days-ish

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yep, once when we were in a car accident. I got to sit in the front though so obviously the rushing wasn't for me!

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
Yes and normally do it myself, too.

You DON'T Acknowledge What?!?!?

I don't like to talk about work on here, but I HAVE to vent and you might not understand completey, b/c I have to be somewhat discreet, but bare with me.

I have this coworker, I'll call her B (yes, for Bitch). My first impression of her was quite good. We had some of the same gripes of the office and although I agreed I didn't say too much b/c I didn't want her to have any ammo against me. GOOD THING! My "boss" hasn't been the best at training me so I spent lots of time learning her job so as to back her up. (AKA - Doing her job while she "updates the website") Suffice to say this fall when I was extremely busy she was too busy "updating the web" to help me out. I was pissed but I am quite an excellent worker (I will toot my horn) and managed to do a wonderful job staying afloat leaving very little rollover for the next day. Damn I'm good! Well, recently she has become quite a bitch to me. She gets pissed over petty things, sends me obsurd e-mails titled "whatever", which I happily (nonchalantly) respond stating how stupid she is and how petty it is. I could elaborate, but I'll spare you.

Oh did I mention she "does NOT acknowledge Halloween". WTF?? Yes, she told me this w/in the first few weeks of my starting this job. She said it is a holiday for the devil. I about peed my pants laughing b/c I LOVE ME SOME HALLOWEEN. I totally think Halloween is what you make it to be. I have many "religious" friends who love dressing their kids up and taking them out to trick-or-treat.



So you may have already guessed, since she's working so hard to piss me off these days, I myself have been quite busy decorating my office, or at least my desk, for Halloween. And L-O-V-I-N-G every minute of it. I started out small just to "get under her skin" so to speak and more for myself, but she plucked my last nerve today. And guess that that means?? A mandated a trip to the Halloween store tonight, where I do buy more stuff to decorate my office. Oh yea, uh-huh, I AM THE BITCH!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha



Note to readers:
I apologize if any of you readers "don't acknowledge Halloween", but please spare me the details b/c I love it!

Fertility Stones

My mom picked up these pink gems over the weekend and gave them over to me the other night. They came in this litle baggy w/ no card or anything. It was nice. I asked her what I was supposed to do with them and she said I should keep one and Eric should keep one. When I protested saying Eric probably wouldn't carry a pink rock around with him, she thought maybe we could put the other one by our bed. I thought maybe I used them to strengthen my kegels. You know get some fertility luck up my fertility canal. ha ha ha My grams was with her and really got a kick out of that comment, too. Our room is filled with fertility symbols (that obviously aren't doing their job), so one more surely could help.

On a serious note though, somebody was probably blowing smoke up her ass, but I'll take it b/c essentially it IS the thought that counts and at least she was thinking of us. So tonight I'll put one beside our bed and hope it got into our hands at just the right time.

CD 18, 3 DPO

It looks like I have officially ovulated sometime between Sunday and Monday. That seems about right. Since I've been on clomid (w/ the exception of last month w/ the shot) I have ovulated between CD 15-17. Now I'm in the lovely 2WW. Keep your fingers crossed. I'm looking for a treat this Halloween, not a trick. Keep that in mind whoever is listening. **wink**

:D

Weekend Review

This weekend was just about the laziest I've had as of yet. I was supposed to attend my first ever breakfast club on Saturday, but since it was homecoming, Eric thought it might be too crazy and suggested I wait until the next one. I didn't object b/c honestly I wasn't feeling up to drinking at 7 am AND who can pass up sleeping? When Eric left he put the dogs up in their own room, so I could go back to sleep. I normally would not do this, however, Godiva thinks that when she gets up, the rest of the house should as well, thus tormenting and barking at the other dogs to drive us CRAZY until we actually get up. Anyhow, I got up around 8:30. No, it wasn't major sleeping in, but it made me feel good. I think I slept to much b/c my back was bothering me. I watched a few movies on TV and texted Eric a few times to see how much fun he was having. The game started at 12 and I flipped back and forth. Eric came home around 1:30 and stopped to pick up pizza on the way per my request. YUMMY! I ate entirely too much, but it was quite yummy. We watched football and flipped through a few other channels most of the evening. My sister Ash came over later that night and we chatted until finally couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

Sunday was again spent on the couch. We slept in a bit and my sister left before 9 am. I managed to sit on the couch until about 1:30. I decided I better to "something" this weekend. So, I got up and mopped the kitchen floor. It looked better, but we really just need something different down there. The linoleum is quite worn and I just really hate it. Anyway after that I thought I better shower. I then proceeded to some baking in the kitchen. I baked Eric a chocolate cake and us some blueberry muffins. I cut up a salad for this week and made some chicken salad for my lunch this week. I felt pretty good about my accomplishments in only a few hours. We did manage to get out of the house a little bit Sunday evening. We went to dinner, mexican of course. After dinner we thought we'd stop by Staples and PetSmart, but they were both closed. :( We headed over to Best Buy and figured out what printer we would be buying so we can actually print pictures. My fridge collage is in horrible need of updating! We picked up a couple of movies than stopped by Target. We didn't find what we were looking for, but we wondered around there for a bit. I was looking for a couple particular photo frames, but I guess I'll keep looking. I finished the night off by watching Cold Case.

TTC Update
I haven't written much about TTC this month, but my chart is still at the side. I am in the "window of opportunity" right now and suffice it to say we are getting 'er done just fine. I am temping, too. I think we did (and are still doing) a fine job this month. We'll see if it pays off in the end. I'm not stressing about it or fret about it. We just do it as it comes and go with the flow this month. Of course it is in the back or our minds, but this month seems to be a little more relaxing...I think...I hope... I should be moving on to my LP any day now.

Therapy #6

Yesterday was my first appointment in nearly 2 weeks. I told her I was glad I didn't go last week, b/c I really didn't have anything to talk about and felt it would have been a waste of both of our times. She seemed content with that and told me to call anytime I didn't think our appointment was necessary. So essentially she agreed with me. Nice. Anyhow, I woke up in a nice mood yesterday. I was tired still, but my mood was good. I was chipper and it was just a good day all around. Apparently it showed b/c she commented that I really looked good before I even said anything so that was nice, too. Anyway we chatted about some things that had been going on and how I'd handled them. She thought I seemed to be handling things much better these days, which I agree. She really liked the fact that I "pampered" or "treated" myself this weekend and attributed those to my good mood. Obviously I should try to do that more often. She thinks my "cognitive thinking" has gotten much better in the last 2 weeks and I think it's mostly due to just feeling good in general. We plan on getting back to the gym regularly next week, plus I'm going to start cooking more at home and both of those things will again help me feel better about myself. Therapy yesterday wasn't exactly what you'd call therapy. We basically just chatted about things for an hour and I gave her $20 for her time. :D

Anyway, the best part is I've been upgraded to bi-weekly visits. She mentioned it and I told her I had planned on suggesting it myself. I feel like I'm getting back to being a little "normal". Whatever that is.

Oh, she also suggested I look into getting a primary care physician since I don't have one. She couldn't believe that 1) I didn't have one and 2) haven't for the last 4 years. I knew in the back of my head that I could always fall back on my old doc even though he was 45 min away if it was an emergency. So I've spent this morning (aside from cutting and filing my fingernails) looking for a PCP that will accomodate both mine and Eric's insurance (we have different ones). My therapist suggested I get a CBC (Complete Blood Count) as soon as possible and that I should get one every couple of years. I didn't even know such a thing existed, but decided it was a wonderful idea myself. Hopefully I can get that done soon, too.

Hooray for Jennifer

NO SPREADING OF THAT BITCH CANCER IN HER LYMPH NODES! Woohoo! It's about time she got some good news! She'll go into greater detail once she's feeling up to it!

Thoughts of Jennifer

I'll be thinking of you today! I hope your surgery goes well and look forward to finding out the results!

Oops!

I didn't take a single picture this weekend (in case you were wondering), so as soon as my girls send me their pics I'll upload them and post them. :D

GWO 10 - Chicago

We had our quarterly GWO this weekend and it was quite eventful, fairly relaxing and a bit odd...

Friday morning I got up at the crack of dawn and headed toward the train station. Thankfully the train was on time and didn't have any major delays on the way up. I got in shortly before 11 am. Chadd (Danialle's hubby) picked me up and we went back to the house. I was exhausted, so I ended up taking a nap. Chadd took me to Wendy's to grab lunch and then a while later we headed to Pete's to get my hair cut. He styled my hair his own way (and not much like I WANTED) and while I do like it, he didn't thin it out, so now I have to make an appt in town to get it thinned. Aw well, the shampoo was wonderful and I love getting my hair styled, so it was ok. Chadd picked me back up and we headed down to pick up Danialle from the train station. We dropped Chadd off and headed home for a quick stop then on to the airport to get Jennifer. We got there early, so we decided a stop for coffee was a necessity. While waiting for Jennifer we noticed their luggage was already going around, so we decided to try to find hers and we did! She was quite surprised when she came walking up and we had her luggage. After hugs we headed back to the car and home. When we got home Jamie (Danialle's sister) had just finished up making pizzas and we were all starving. We chatted for a while then went to bed.

Saturday we got up pretty early and went to breakfast at Square Kitchen. It was quite yummy! Then we headed downtown to State St. for some serious window shopping. We had a ball trying on scarves w/ Jennifer, I got a shirt for $2.15 and we chatted the day away. Finally we were starving so we decided to head back to their neck of the woods and stopped at Garcia's for the biggest burritos and cokes ever! Then we headed home. When we got there Danialle had arranged for her friend Shelby, who is going to massage school, to give us full body massages. She was absolutely wonderful. She did it just the way I like it. She was very careful around my tattoo, too. While I was getting my massage Jennifer & Danialle were preparing for a birthday party for Jamie. It was Italian Pirate themed. They made cupcakes and put them in a treasure chest w/ gold coins on each. The italian part was the food. We had fettucine w/ yummy marinara sauce, pumpkin tortoleni in a mushroom sauce, cheese ravioli, chicken w/ some sort of breading, & cheesey bread. It was marvelous! We jammed to some music and chatted and the party started dying down around midnight. We girls were exhausted from our day of shopping so we went to lay in Danialle's bed and figured we get back up after everyone left and move to the air mattress. Well, Chadd decided not to wake us, so we slept in the bed all night while he tried to get comfy in the recliner. It was a nice (warm & cozy) sleep. :D

Saturday morning we got up and Danialle made us scrambled omlets and toast. I've never eaten anything in my eggs besides bacon, but it was quite good (minus the peppers). After that we got ready and headed down to get our pedicures. I decided to get a frech tip pedicure, which I later realized was more expensive, but it turned out lovely. However, the lady cut one of my toes and messed up my big toe which I already have problems with. I decided it wasn't a major deal and I would just fix it myself later. About the time we were getting done another lady convinced us to get eyebrow waxes. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I had done it before, but this turned into a nightmare!! As soon as she finished with mine there were bright red and felt like they were on fire. This happened the time before, but it faded and was fine. This time it just kept getting worse. Brighter red, bumps, a little swollen, the works. Apparently I was having a reaction or something, but it was terrible. I hoped it would get better through the day and tried not worrying about it too much. We grabbed lunch at Chipotle and then headed to Evanston and got our movie tix for "In Her Shoes". While we were waiting for the movie to start we went to a few shops around there. Finally we headed back to the theatre and watched a great movie! We even got a little teary eyed. After the movie we headed back and met Chadd, Jamie, and her boyfriend at a Thai restaurant and had dinner. After dinner we were walking back to the car and out of no where something came hauling ass at me and hit me near the pelvic region, sorta top of the leg where it bends. I swear I thought I got shot or something. I froze and then saw the egg drop to the sidewalk and break. I have no idea why it didn't break when it hit me b/c it had to be traveling at 30+ mph. It brought tears to my eyes, but I have no bruise or anything (surprisingly)! We think someone was trying to egg cars and missed and hit me. By this time I was ready to leave Chicago. Cut toe, sore big toe, fire eyebrows, now the egg. We headed back home and went through some photo albums then headed to bed.

We got up yesterday morning and gathered all of our belongings. We dropped Jennifer off at the airport and then headed to M'ville to meet Eric so he could pick me up. Overall it was a nice relaxing weekend w/ just a few speed bumps.

BTW - My eyebrows are still red and broke out, but are slowly getting better.

T-A-T-T-O-O-S

Lovin' It!

Mine
Before


During


After


Mom's
Before


During


After


Both Together


Happy Ladies!


You can go here and see more in-depth photos!

Have a G-R-E-A-T weekend!!! I'll be back in action Monday!

My Weekend Starts Tonight

I'm leaving at 3:00 this afternoon. First stop - therapy. Should be pretty boring as I don't have much to talk about. I really wish we'd do these every 2 weeks and I think I will mention it to her tonight.

After that we are going down to C'ville to get my tattoo tonight. Stayed tuned for pictures tonight, but it won't be until late.

Tomorrow morning I get up before the sun and jump on the train headed to Chi-town for a fabulous weekend with.... Drumroll please...

MY GIRLS OF COURSE!

Weekend festivities include: new do by the one and only Pete the Hair God, massages, birthday party, pedicure, chick flick, and of course shopping! Even though we've each had some bad events happen w/in the last few months we will have a great weekend along with a few tears.

Fucking Indiana *update*

I'm moving! I can't even compose something here to post, so just check all these wonderful ladies out. They word it better than I could I'm sure. :D

In a Holding Pattern...

And I wasted all that birth control...

Hourse of Miao

herveryown

A little pregnant

And several other blogs.

Stop this fucking insanity and go here and give them hell. Otherwise I will have one more thing to look forward to in the near future since I live here...

*Update*
Courtesy of IndyStar.com - State Sen. Patricia Miller, R-Indianapolis, issued a one-sentence statement this afternoon saying: “The issue has become more complex than anticipated and will be withdrawn from consideration by the Health Finance Commission.”

Stupid old bat thought she could really get it through. Ha! I can only imagine how many e-mails and phone calls she got!

Seriously...

Are you fucking kidding me?

Web Search

I don't having anything extremely interesting to talk about right now, so thought I'd share some recent searches that lead to my blog.

gwo do you get sperm out - Good luck. I like to keep it in. No wasting it here! I'm 5th on the search list... Oh and GWO in my blog = "Girls Weekend Out".

how can i find me a temp to help me find a job - I'm assuming this person is not meaning the same kind of temping I do. Can you imagine? I'm 3rd on this search!

rupture of a kitten's eye - OMG, I hope it's ok! I don't even own a cat, so not sure how I popped up on this search!

mrs.t - Yay! That is me! I would hope it would find me up and put me at the top of the list!

Cycle 27

Today is CD 3. And to think that I might not end this last cycle? I knew I wasn't pregnant, but where was AF? I still don't know what caused the long cycle. I honestly think the shot had something to do with it, but no one seems to agree with me (at least in the medical profession). Anyway, lo and behold AF showed up Saturday. I should have started my clomid this morning but since it was the weekend, I wasn't getting a Rx. It bothered me for a minute and then I said O'well and went about my weekend. What's one day?

This morning I called the doc's office and explained my situation. They told me they'd call around and find a pharmacy that had clomid on hand so I could start it today. I also asked her to find out from Dr. S if I would be getting an U/S and hcG shot this month again.

She called me back later to let me know where I could pick up the Rx, so I guess I'll be taking it around lunch time this cycle. She also said that Dr. S didn't think it was necessary to do the U/S and shot this month. Fine with me although I felt at ease knowing I was being "monitored".

I am a little disappointed in Dr. S and his lack of progress. Even though I didn't like my previous fat, bald doc w/ zero bedside manners, he did nearly go into IF as a specialty and is still highly involved in it. I know he would have done a few IUIs before referring me on, too. I guess I can't dwell on the past, but I am looking forward to getting referred on if only to get some new insight and pick someone new docs brain. Maybe he can be of more help. Only 2 more cycles. No, I'm not assuming these next 2 cycles won't work, but I guess what I'm saying is that I'm ok with the idea of getting referred on, despite what we do for our next step(s).

Weekend Review

My weekend was good. I took Friday off work since Eric had a meeting all day. It wasn't necessary for me to take off work, but why not? It was needed. So I tried sleeping in, but the doggies didn't really like the idea, so I got up around 8. I surfed the web for a bit then took a shower and got ready and cleaned the house. My sister picked me up around 1-ish and we headed to C'ville. On our way down we stopped by the tattoo shop and talked to the guy about my tattoo (I get it done this Thursday). He worked on it and I think we've got it about right. Then we headed over to my grandparents house and chatted with them for a bit. We had planned on my mom, her boyfriend and my other sister meeting at BW3s for dinner so we headed back around 5-ish. We sat at BW3s forever until they finally arrived. We ate and chatted the evening away. We ran back to my sister's dorm and then they came to my house for a few minutes. I was beat by the time they left, so I went straight to bed.

Saturday morning our alarm went off at 6 am. I dropped Eric off at the bar for breakfast club about 6:30, then came home and crashed til around 8. I got up, took a shower and then went to Wally World to pick up a few things. Then headed back down to C'ville. Since Eric was busy all day, I had called my other grams to see if she wanted me to come over for lunch and of course she did. She loves cooking for me. We had a nice lunch then headed downtown to this art show/display that was going on. Basically they had several artists displayed in the store windows and you walk around and look at them. It was a PERFECT day to do this and it was interesting to see local artist's work. I left there around 3 and headed home to quite a mess. The football traffic had started and was quite heavy. I picked Eric up around 4:30 and we relaxed for a few hours. We then headed to my aunt and uncle's for a cookout for my cousin's birthday. It was nice seeing some of the family and visiting. We got home a little after 10 and again I was exhausted and hit the bed.

Yesterday we got up and had a lazy day all day. In fact, I barely moved off of the couch. We watched football all day and I did some reading and napping.

Therapy #5 - Cognitive Thinking

This therapy session was sorta dull. We talked about what was going on around me (Jen's Cancer, Danialle's throat, my IF). My IF actually became the extended topic of the hour this time. That and my cognitive thinking. I have a tendency towards negative thinking. We played this little game where I got to write down some negative thoughts, pick what kind of thoughts there were and then come up with some positive thoughts. Some of my positive thoughts came off as assvice and I was a little irked by the time I left there. Here are some thoughts I'm supposed to be having:

"I'm still young"

"We still have many other options"

"I still have 2 more months of clomid before getting referred on"

Why do these positive thoughts seem like such assvice? Maybe it was PMS or something b/c I had no desire to talk to her this time. Seriously it's very hard to stay positive after 2 YEARS!

My homework for this week is to evaluate the times we I have an argument with Eric (or anyone else). Identify my negative thoughts and then come up with positive ones. We had little fun with this right after when I was telling him about it. I'm an argumentative person. I like to argue about stuff sometimes if the mood strikes me. Not all the time of course.

So, we'll see how this week goes. I go back on Thursday.

CD 1

She came today.

CD 32, 17 DPO *updated*

Temp - 98.1
HPT - Negative
AF - Nowhere in Sight

Calling the doc later this morning.

Talked to an actual nurse in my doc's office. She said hcG shot should not lengthen my cycle. Call on Monday if my period still hasn't started and they will do a blood test to confirm I'm not pregnant and then give me something to make me start. This is almost worst than the actual 2WW...

Stupid Nurse - Take 2

That stupid nurse called me back and basically told me the same damn thing about clomid lengthening my cycle. She talked to another nurse (a real nurse is what I expect) and she said the reason they gave me the "Day 35" spiel is b/c IF at Day 35 I still haven't started and I get a negative test meaning I'm definitely not pregnant, they could give me a drug to make me start, but she doesn't know if my doc will or not if we get to that point... Does that make much sense to you? I thought I knew a lot about this, now I'm mad and confused.

Why can't I find out any information on hcG delaying AF? Actually the couple articles I did find say it doesn't, but I'm sure everyone is different.

Gggggrrrrrr!!!!!!

Update - CD 31, 16 DPO

Did you hear that? 16 DPO? So let's recap my past shall we?

Past
Longest LP ever charting - 14 Days (Mostly w/ Clomid but a few other cycles, too)
Longest Cycle ever - 31 Days (one was July, but I also O'd later)

Current
HPT - 14 DPO - Negative
Temp - Still up

So you see my first instinct it to blame it on the hcG shot, but I can't seem to find anything on the intenet to back that up. So I thought for sure by calling my docs office they would give me some good information. Boy was I wrong. My doc

Me: Hi, I'd like to talk to a nurse in Dr. S's office

Clinic: Sure, please hold

Stupid Nurse: Dr. S is out of the office today this is the Medical Information desk, how can I help you?

Me: Hi, this is Mrs. T and I took clomid this cycle and then got the hcG shot and I was wondering if it makes your cycles longer

Nurse Stupid: No, but the clomid will.

Me: But this is my 4th round of clomid and I've had consistant 14 Day LP. Now I'm at 16 days. I took a HPT at 14DPO and don't want to waste money on them only to find out that the shot will make your cycle longer

Stupid Nurse: I can't believe you doctor didn't tell you that Clomid will make your cycle longer.

Me: Well, he didn't and like I said I think if anything it's the shot

Stupid Nurse: Well, we always tell people clomid will lengthen their cycle so you need to wait until about Day 35 of your cycle, that's starting from the first day of your period to day 35, and then test and call us back.

Me: I've never had this long of LP. Are you sure about the shot?

Stupid Nurse: Yes, clomid can lenghten your cycle. Take a test at Day 35 and call us back.

Me: Fine, click!

Is it me or is that stupid bitch hung up on the clomid and didn't hear a word I asked about the shot???? She obviously has no idea! Grrr... She really made me mad and I intend on telling Dr. S that their "information desk" was worthless!

So, now I scour the internet today looking for something to blame this long cycle/LP on, refusing to believe I'm pregnant b/c well, I took one on Tuesday and it said no, so I'm sure it hasn't changed.

I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. :D Keep your fingers crossed!

On a cool, rainy night...

I decided to dye my hair! ha ha My sister came over and dyed it for me and we had an absolute blast. Besides spraying us w/ my hand held shower head and getting 3 quite blonde highlights on the left side she did a great job! It was a much needed evening.





It's officially "Praline Light Iradescent Brown". Real life it is light brown w/ some red tint, I guess

What do you think?

Bad day again.

I had a really bad day yesterday, but I think I'm better today (after MUCH venting). I got up yesterday morning and my temp went down, so what do I do? Go ahead and test. Why not start the day off right, eh? So, you guess it, it was NEGATIVE. No surprise there since my temp went down. I had my hope up really high this month. I've been feeling better stress-wise since going to therapy, got the hcG shot, got a massage on Friday, and my gramps blessed me. I thought for sure this time would be it. Don't even say, "Well, you haven't started yet" or any of that stupid shit, b/c I know I'm just waiting on AF to actually arrive. My bbs are losing their soreness and I'm a crabass. NO DOUBT about that. I felt very hopeless yesterday and mentioned to Eric that I didn't know how much more of this I could take. He basically said finish the next 2 cycles of clomid and then take a break. TAKE A BREAK? That basically set me off and we argued before I got to work, which always makes me quite enjoyable at work to say the least. I had some lame ass meeting in the morning and I spent the rest of the day in a daze it seemed.

After I got off work Eric & I went on a 5 mile bike ride and I felt better. I was not in the cooking mood so we hit BW3s for dinner came home and I tried reading, but ended up falling asleep w/ Godiva cuddling my head and Kodi cuddling my feet.

Tonight I'm going to go home and make dinner. Then my sister is going to come over and color my hair in preparation for my big cut next week w/ Pete the Hair God!

I don't want to offend anyone by what I'm about to say, so please understand where I am coming from. I've read on many IF blogs about ladies who just can't read blogs after they turn into pregnancy/baby blogs. I never really had a problem until the last month or two. It has been extremely difficult for some reason. I don't know if this IF shit is all starting to really settle in and take a toll on me or what. I believe that is what is happening though. So, please if I happen to remove you from my sidebar, please don't take offense. I will periodically lurk and make sure things are still ok, but just know that it is extremely difficult to read every day. Also, know that I truly am VERY happy for you!

Weekend in Review

My weekend was ok after the horrible news Friday day. Friday right after work I headed to Christina's to get my 30 min. swedish massage. It was definitely a stress relieving one and I could have laid there for a couple more hours. I think next time I'll get the one where they are harder on you and is more deep. As soon as I got home we left to go to dinner w/ my grandparents and then they came back to our house and gramps blessed me. It was really nice of him and it made me feel good afterwards. However, I didn't sleep well that night though b/c the massage oil wasn't a great smell and I kept getting whiffs of it whenever I moved, yuck. Eric said he couldn't really smell it, but it was annoying me. I almost took a shower in the middle of the night.

Saturday we were lazy in the morning. I gave myself a pedicure minus painting. But dang if my feet don't feel great! I worked on them to smooth out the rough edges and lotioned them up. Then we headed to C'ville and met my parents and Kisha & Levi and the baby. We had a nice lunch. Caidence slept until the minute the food came, which was funny. She is going to be one of those babies that cries around everyone except Kisha and my stepmom, I swear. She cried when I held her, too. Kisha said she often cries when Levi holds her, too. After lunch we went to Kroger to get some flowers and visited my brother. While we were there I decided we should go get him a new solar light b/c the one that was there was a cheap plastic one that lasted only a few weeks. We headed to Home Depot and found a nice metal one and it was on sale, so bonus. We headed back out to the grave and put it up. Then we headed to Dari-licious for some yummy dessert. Then to Kisha's to pick up some pics she forgot to bring with her. We had a lazy Saturday evening. I fell asleep on the couch with the doggies at some point after talking to Jennifer.

Yesterday we planned on cleaning out the gutters and going for a bike ride. When I rolled out of bed, Eric informed me that we'd be getting rain all day and into the week. I knew our gutters needed cleaned out bad. In fact they even woke me up Saturday night when it rained. We scrambled outside and started working on them in the slight misty rain. It started raining a little more, but Eric kept working. I ended up standing on the ground watching w/ my umbrella. :D We spent the rest of the day watching football and napping and had pizza for a late afternoon lunch. Yummy!

Today we get to head to our new dentist. I'm excited b/c I know I'm overdue for a cleaning and I always love how it feels after they get cleaned, but I'm nervous, too b/c it's a new one.

On the TTC side of things...
I started taking my temp again this morning (98.5). Today is 13 DPO. I sure hope it stays up. I'm holding out lots of hope this time.

So tell me, oh wonderful internet readers, if you got the hcG shot, how did it affect your cycle? Did it make it longer or shorter or maybe you don't know b/c you are pregnant. I want to know! This is what I'm most curious about at the moment, besides the obvious, of course!

A Tag

Dooneybug tagged me so here goes...

THE RULES:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

"Then I will totally be freaked about these "symptoms"...."

Ironically enough I was talking about testing too early b/c of supposed symptoms. ha ha ha Not doing any of that around here this month.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you haven't done this and feel inclined to do so, consider yourself tagged!

Bad, Bad Day...

Please go over and give Jennifer a big *HUG* and keep her in your thoughts.

I'm feeling really down and distant right now. I don't understand why people around me keep having bad things happen to them. It is really pissing me off to be honest. 2005 was supposed to be a great year and so far it royally sucks ass. I can't wait for 2006 to get here. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????????

It's hard to explain how I feel right now. I will say that God isn't very high on my list at the moment though. I've struggled with it for years anyway and my "faith" or understanding (might be a better word) is declining.

Bad things should not happen to good people. I love everyone around me. I have a close circle of friends (real life) that are literally out of this world. I'm selfish in that I don't want bad things to happen to them, anyone would be though. I know Jennifer will be strong through whatever journey this takes her through, but she shouldn't have to go through it. She doesn't deserve it at all.

You are in my thoughts Jennifer! I know everything will be ok in the long run.

4 Years Ago Today...

I met my husband. It seems like forever ago really when you think about it. I thought I'd share a little bit about our meeting and first date.

A friend of mine, Deb, asked me at work on Friday if I'd be interested in going to a 9/11 benefit this bar on Saturday 9/22. I had a wedding to go to on Saturday, but it was in the early afternoon, so I told her I'd call after the wedding and let her know.

Saturday arrived and I went to the wedding. It was my cousin, who also happened to graduate with me so I saw several of those dreaded HS classmates. I went to the reception for a little bit, but thanked god when we finally left. I was feeling "less than adequate" about myself when I left. I called Deb on my way home and told her I wasn't feeling up to it, but thankfully she convinced me otherwise. She has a way of doing this. So I went home, freshened up and went to her house. We proceeded to become under the influence (which is one of the few and definitely the last time I was under that influence, btw) and met up with another lady. At the bar we paid our admission/cover and had a few drinks and danced. It was pretty lame, but again, it didn't matter too much b/c I was in my own little world. hee hee Anyway, I was oblivious to the fact that this guy, now know as Eric, was eyeing me. Reason being I thought he was the bar owner and I had heard too many nasty stories about him. Ugh! I don't think you know what his occupation is, but let's just say he was running this little 9/11 benefit and was DJing and throwing out T-shirts and stuff. So he worked his little magic buy giving us some T-shirts to get my attention when the other 2 ladies went for drink refills while I watched our seats. We ended up chatting and the next time he went up to the stage to do something he called me up to draw this number out of a hat for a raffle they were doing. After that he followed me around like a lost puppy (I'm sure he'll deny that). Later in the evening something was brought up about drinking. I was floored when I found out he was not much of a drinker and was drinking WATER of all things to drink at the bar. I knew then that he was different. At the end of the night he took my number and said he'd call me and we parted ways.

MANY days passed. I had given up after about Wednesday. I believe he called me Friday and said he had tickets to an F-1 race and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I love racing and was thrilled at the chance b/c I'd never been to the F-1 race, but I group up around drag racing my whole life. Plus, that was a very impressive first date, let me tell ya!

He picked me up Sunday morning, we stopped at Subway to grab subs and headed to the track. After we found our seats we ate lunch and watched the race and chatted. On our way home he wanted to stop and get dinner. I believe we stopped at this mexican place and it was yummy. After that he decided we should play a round of putt-putt golf. About 1/2 way through the holes, I decided it would be ok to go on at least one more date with this guy. Oh yea and I was losing. So we made this little wager that however many strokes he beat me by, that was the number of more dates he had to take me on. :D On our way home we stopped at his apartment and I met his dogs (Krissy & Kodi) and then he took me home.

The rest is obvious!

Therapy #4

I left this session feeling better. We talked about my week and how it hasn't been as stressful although I though my hormones are out of whack. She's not so good with pitying me b/c she's been through many years of IF herself. She's basically done everything and finally come to the conclusion that they were not meant to have kids and went on with their lives. It's interesting about her, but kind of made me a bit uneasy, too.

The major focus of today's session was stress. I got to do this cute little survey and guess there I fall? High, but not the highest level, so I guess that's good. Right? We went through the entire list of "symptoms" I have of stress, which was fairly long.

Then we did this other thing to see how well I take care of myself in certain ways. My major problem area is cognitive. She also suggested I get a massage once a month or whenever something big is on the horizon. An example is next week I should find out whether this cycle worked or if we'll be moving on to #5. (Eric thought this was BS, but I somehow convinced him and go Friday after work for a 30 min. massage) Anyway, this seemed like a good idea to me after I thought about it, too. She also wants be to start documenting my headaches, but I've had them to infrequently that I didn't think that was necessary.

One thing that irked me was she doesn't seem to like the idea of my blog. She said its not the same as journaling and I don't "let it all out" on here. Do you, my readers, think I hold back? Be honest! I agree occassionally I hold back, but those things I wouldn't "write in my journal" either. I told her I have tried "writing in a journal" on several occassions and would not follow though. I do a few entries and then it's gone. With my blog I post regularly and don't hide my feelings.

Blog Color

Your Blog Should Be Blue

Your blog is a peaceful, calming force in the blogosphere. You tend to avoid conflict - you're more likely to share than rant. From your social causes to cute pet photos, your life is a (mostly) open book.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Wow! It's dead on!

Thanks to Tertia!

CD 22, 7 DPO **edited**

I realized yesterday that this blog is supposed to be about our journey to conceive for the most part and really I haven't been talking much about it, so I'm going to try to get back in that routine.

As you can see from the title I'm 7 DPO, which means I have 8 days left before I can watch for AF. B/C I got the hCG shot, I can't even test until after 14 DPO b/c it could give me a false positive, so there's no chance of me testing early this time. I polled 2 of my friends yesterday and they think I should test now to see if I really get a false positive or not, but Eric doesn't think I should. He doesn't want to jinx anything. So, I guess I won't be trying out that science project out as much as I want to.

I pretty certain the hCG shot made me extremely hormonal. I feel like my nerves are absolutely shot. I don't think Eric understands this really even though I've tried explaining many times. That only makes me even more frustrated. I don't know if he just thinks I'm being pissy b/c I want to or what?! :D B/C you know I really like being a bitch, right? Don't answer that!

**Edited to say that I did come home to an assortment of roses on the dining room table last night, so he really is wonderful and I know it is 90% all me!**

Keep your fingers cross for the next 8-10 days for me!

Weekend Recap

Had a pretty nice weekend overall, I guess. Friday morning I took Eric to meet some of his co-workers for a trip they'd won to a baseball game in Chicago. I, of course, left work early to head to therapy (You can see my post below to see how that went). After therapy I went to a tattoo place that was recommended to me by a co-worker. See, we've been working with a guy in C'ville to get a tattoo like my brothers, but this week he's given us a run around and it was really pissing me off. Anyway, I talked to this other guy and he could do it, but it'd have to be much bigger and it was going to cost quite a bit more. I told him I'd get back to him, but knew that I was just going to have to sit it out and wait on the guy from C'ville. So on my way back home I called my mom and told her to call them again, so she did. She left them a rather terse message and told them to call her back ASAP. Wouldn't you know it?! They called back w/in the hour. He's got the sketch drawn up. Unfortunately he's really busy and we can't get in until Oct 6, which is later than I wanted, but he's giving us a good deal and at least I'm getting it done soon.

After I got home my grandma called and said they were coming up and wanted to take me to dinner. So, of course, I went. We had a great time just chatting away and eating our meal. After they brought me back home I watched some TV and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

Saturday morning I got up, showered, and cleaned house. I picked Eric back up around 11:30 and we went to Pablo's for lunch and then ran a few errands. We were both exhausted, so we came back home and spent the rest of the day being lazy.

Sunday we planned on taking a nice bike ride. We loaded up our bikes and headed to this Fort on the other side of town. There was supposed to be a trail that started there and went through the woods and along the river; about 13 miles long. Well, we found out that it doesn't go all the way to the Fort yet, but we could take the road and meet up with it. We did that, but I hate riding on the road, so we turned around and headed back. My knee was bothering me and Eric thought I needed toe clips b/c my feet weren't staying on the pedals, so we picked those up and grabbed lunch. After lunch it was a little warm out, so we picked up a couple of things from Dick's and hit the grocery store. After we got home and unloaded everything we went on a 5 mile bike ride. It was really nice, relaxing end to the weekend.

Therapy #3

Today's session was sorta dull. I finished my hate letter last night late, but it felt good afterwards. I wanted to mail it right away, but she had told me not to so I just put it away to save for the session. At first we just talked about my week, which had been pretty crazy. We talked about some family issues that came up and how I handled them and especially about the doctor's appointment. I told her even though I was happy they gave me the hCG shot, it made me very anxious b/c I was not aware of it ahead of time.

Next came the letter. I read the letter to her and she said it wasn't as hateful as she expected or had heard before. I explained to her that I wasn't angry anymore b/c that was my major focus 3 yrs. ago in therapy. She still thinks I need to forgive him, but I said he doesn't deserve it. She thinks that is the only way I will feel free of him, but I disagree. I have forgiven myself and have lightened my anger and have went on with my life just fine. So I'm supposed to think about this forgiveness thing. She thinks I may just not be ready for it.

Finally for some reason she started talking about my anger and how it relates in a bell curve 0-10-0. 5-10 on each side being the danger zones. She was trying to figure out how I handle situations that make me angry and making sure I wasn't stayin around the 4-5 area on the verge of the danger zone. Honestly, I don't really understand where this came from and/or why we talked about it. I guess I'm supposed to make sure when things make me mad I'm supposed to get myself back down to zero so things don't set me off as fast.

I hope next session is better. I was a little disappointed in this one.

Another Picture

This one is of me and my new bicycle.


"I like to ride my bicycle..."

Bathroom

Thought I'd share some pics of the color of our newly painted bathroom, but it is difficult to see, so sorry!

Here it is...


Here is a little closer...


Can you see how well it matches our shower curtain?

Praying (for us) Mantis

This guy was visiting us yesterday. Ironic, no? I'd like to think he is praying for us. Isn't that what these guys do best? He was on our picture window...



As you can see he's not the only visitor we get on our front picture window. Mr. Tree Frog visited last week on more than one evening. Obviously he didn't mind getting his picture taken or maybe he has an ego and knew I was going to post them on the web. ha ha ha

Oops!

I forgot to mention one thing that really got to me yesterday while I was waiting to get the ultrasound for a whopping 50 minutes. Anyway, I'm nosey, so I listen to thing that are going on with other people. Yes, I know all about the HIPA laws, etc. This lady came in probably upper 20s, early 30s. Young, mind you. She had 3 kids definitely hers b/c they were all spitting images of her. I little boy who was the oldest maybe 7, a little girl who was probably 3-4 and a baby I think she said around 9 months. Anyway, she was in getting blood taken for whatever reason, but what stuck me as interesting was when she began telling the nurse that the newest baby was a result of taking some medication for about 7 days that she didn't realize would affect her birth control... Makes me wonder how she conceived her first 2.

What can ya say?

I want you to have intercourse...

I left work early today to head to the doc's office to get my ultrasound. At this practice they have a lady who does all of the ultrasounds, so Dr. S doesn't actually do any of them. We were early and waited about 50 minutes before they finally called my name. We went in and she said I was getting a follicle scan, which is what I had assumed. I let her know that Dr. S's office had only said to come in on CD 14 to get an U/S and I assumed that was what I was getting based on the internet. :D She laughed. She got the dildo cam all lubed and started scanning. Basically in a nutshell, she said I had 4 follicles, 2 on each side. The measured as follows: 31, 26, 24, 10. I asked her what the average was and she said they like to see them between 18-20, so I thought I was looking pretty good. Then she said I'll be heading up to the doctor's office now so he can chat with me. I didn't realize I'd be meeting Dr. S today, so I was a little stunned. We didn't have to wait up there too long before they called us back to a room. The nurse was real chipper and said it looked like I had some follicles that were about ready to burst and I'd be getting a shot today. Say what??? I was floored, scared, excited, everything. It was one thing to see Dr. S, but now I'm getting a shot? Of what? Why? I have NO RESEARCH on this! I'm NOT prepared! What questions should I ask? Holy shit! Of course the nurse left and I was nearly shaking. I couldn't believe this. I had no idea. Eric was pissed b/c they hadn't even mentioned this when we set up the U/S, but I said it was partially my fault for not asking what all would happen this cycle, too. We both tried flipping through magazines to calm our nerves, but it didn't help. Finally Dr. S came in. He said it looks like the clomid is doing what it's supposed to and they wanted to give me a shot of hCG to go ahead and make me ovulate, so we can monitor it better. And he wants us to have intercourse tonight and tomorrow night as the hCG will make me ovulate between the next 12-24 hours. No problem here since it was already going to happen anyway. I asked how much the hcg was going to cost and he said not too much, so I didn't really get an answer out of him. I guess we'll find out when the bill comes. I said I guess from what the nurse said I have 3 good follicles and he said well, 2. He said the one that was 31 was most likely left over from a previous cycle and obviously the 10 wasn't big enough. So I have 2 good ones, 26 & 24, one on each ovary. I guess that's not too bad.

Finally I asked what if this doesn't work and he said he will let me go 6 rounds of clomid before they consider clomid a failure for me. He also said that if you are going to get pregnant you will get pregnant during the first 6 rounds. So at least I have more of a timeframe now and that put me at ease a little. If we get to round 6 and it doesn't work, then he will then refer me on to the RE and they will go from there. So, I guess I have til the end of the year to get a bun in my oven. Oh dear!

Weekend Update

I had a great weekend! Friday night we picked up Eric's bicycle and after doing some stuff at home went for a long bike ride. I was exhausted by the time we got home though. Eric left around 8:30 for a promotion at one of the bars. I watched TV and at some point dozed off to sleep. I woke up around 11 and headed to bed. Apparently Eric came home a short time after that.

Sunday we got up pretty early. Eric left around 6:30 am for breakfast club since it was a home football game (we won) and I tried to sleep, but Godiva was having none of that. I got up, took a shower, cleaned the house, started some laundry and ran the dishwasher all before Eric got home around 10:30. After Eric got home we ran to the bike shop to pick up a few things, grabbed lunch and headed home. My grandparents came over around 2:00 and papaw and Eric worked on our shower in the master bathroom. To make a long story short, the people that built our house did a half-arsed job and didn't bring the drywall all the way down to the top of the shower, so they had to fill the gap and fix all that stuff. We patched some other holes in the wall, too (nails, etc.) We then grabbed dinner and headed to Lowe*s to pick up a few other things and find some paint swatches. My grandparents left shortly after we got back home and Eric & I went on a short bike ride.

Sunday we got up and lounged around the house for a while. We had planned on having a relaxing day and going on another long bike ride. I had originally planned on painting the bathroom this coming weekend when Eric was gone, but we decided to just go ahead and do it yesterday. We cleared out the bathroom, taped it off, removed fixtures, and headed to Lowe's to get the paint. The color is hard to explain. It's called Oregon Dunes. It's sort of a tanish color w/ a hint of sage. I'll take pics this week and post them. All I can say was it was matched w/ my shower curtain. ha ha We finished late in the evening with the painting and by the time we cleaned stuff up, grabbed dinner and sat down it was time to go to bed.

This morning Eric caulked around the top of the shower and tonight we will be putting all the fixtures up and moving everything back in. I'm excited.

I've made a deal with Eric or rather he's made a deal with me that'll we'll work on painting the rooms of our house and doing some other work around the house (ie, carpet and kitchen tile or wood, water softener, cheap fence) and stay at this spot for 2 more years making our total 4 yrs in that house. I plan to get the kitchen/dining room done this fall witht he help of his mom. That will leave office, guest bathroom, utility room and eventually nursery.

Oh!! Check back tonight or early tomorrow for an update on my ultrasound that I'm getting later this afternoon. It's the mid-cycle ultrasound and I'm hoping they will tell me good news about my follicles and lining rather than bad. Wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts this afternoon!

Therapy #2

My therapy session this time was a little rougher. We talked about how my week was for the first half or so. I proudly told her I had gotten somewhat stronger w/ my mom. Basically when she tried to talk to me like I was her therapist, I've been listening and letting her know I'm listening, but instead of taking it on myself, I've been telling her that she needs to write X down and talk to her therapist about it. I've been telling her that I'm hurting too for the loss of my brother. It's different than her loss, but it's still a loss and it still hurts. She doesn't like her therapist very well, so I've been telling her she's wasting her time staying that she needs to either see someone else at that particular practice or go to someone else. I hope she listens. My therapist agreed w/ the therapy part and was surprised that I had said as much as I did to my mom. I don't think she realizes how strong I am once someone tells me what to say so to speak and lets me know that it's OK to say it.

I came up with three major goals that I'm not going to put here, but will say that by working on 2 of them the other should fall into place. We talked about my marriage and overall its great, but I have some problems with my emotions (or lack there of) and expressing them. She thinks it stems back from my childhood especially with the "attempted rape" I talked about back in May. I have them shield I put up so no one hurts me and even though I know Eric won't hurt me, I don't know how to put the shield down. So for my next appointment I'm supposed to write a hate letter to R and bring it with me. I'm supposed to let all of those angry, hatred emotions come out in this letter and write away. She wants it to be as if I would be mailing it to him, but I won't be. I'm not looking forward to this at all, but know I have to do it and have it done by Friday afternoon.

Ugh. Wish me luck!

Flickr

Oh, if you haven't noticed down below and ------------------------>
I've been playing around w/ flickr photos and actually figured out how to link to them show they show up on my blog and stuff. I'm so glad I found flickr.

Still fightin' the Allergies

They are still kicking my butt, too. I've been feeling blah all week. Sorta weak, but mostly just battling drainage problems. Haven't had much of an appetite either. I suppose that isn't a horrible thing, but I'd like to lose weight the "right" way. ha ha

We picked up my new bicycle Tuesday evening and Eric is supposed to get his today or tomorrow, so I know we will be hitting the trails this weekend. I'm excited to start riding my bike. I originally thought I was going to ride to work and home, but everyone is so worried and Eric has promised to ride several times a week, so I guess that's ok. We were hoping to get to the gym before work this week, but with my allergies I haven't been up to it, so hopefully we can get back to that next week.

Tomorrow is my second therapy session and I'm ready. One thing I've noticed in the last week is my anxiety. Last week she asked me where I felt the anxiety and I said my stomach b/c normally my nerves cause stomach problems, however last Friday I felt it in my chest and up high, so I guess it's both.

Good news! Remember a while back when I came up with the tat idea? Well, it looks like I should be going next week! I'm super excited and anxious to get it done. I've been watching "Miami*Ink" or "In*ked" when I catch it lately on TV, so I'll be glad when I can get mine done and enjoy it insead of drooling over other people's. ha ha

I'll update tomorrow after my appointment. I hope we accomplish something tomorrow. :D

Happy Birthday to Our 1 Yr. Old Piece of Chocolate

Godiva - 1 Yr. Old
Originally uploaded by Mrs-T.

Can you believe she's 1 whole year old today? It seems like just yesterday she was just a wee little thing bouncing around making us question whether we got a puppy or bunny! It's amazing to me how much she's grown. From a wee 9 pounds when we got her to nearly 90 pounds now.

We even bought some frosty paws for a little party tonight. hee hee

Labor Day Weekend Update

I woke up with a sore throat on Friday and new what was coming. Within 24 hours my allergies would take over. I got off work early, ran home and changed, picked up my sister from her dorm and we headed to Turkey Run for my aunt's wedding. It was a nice wedding overall. It was good to get everyone together for a little happier time. Of course it was sad, too b/c Matt wasn't with us. On our way to the chapel we stopped for some pics...


Here's my sister Ashlee, Mom and me.


Danialle joined in on this one.


Mom, Me, & Eric


Me & Eric


I suppose you might want to see the Bride & Groom


What do I say about this pic??? This was on our way back to the reception. I was being funny and didn't even read the plaque that told about the statue. hee hee Do you find anything interesting about this pic??? Well, I've decided that little "spot" to the right of my legs is a spirit orb of my brother. I felt him there at different times during the night.

Anyway we danced and had some drinks and really had a good time overall.

By the time we got home I knew my allergies were really kicking me in the ass.

Saturday I tried to sleep in, but was having problems breathing and had a horrible sinus headache. I spent the majority of the day on the couch.

On Sunday we got up early and got ready. I was still feeling bad, so Eric cleaned the house for me. Eric's parents arrived shortly after noon and we chatted for a bit then headed to C'ville for a cookout on my dad's side. My cousin Chadd hosted it and it was really nice. I really cherish the times we get to spend with family now.

After we left the cookout, we stopped at Matt's grave. I talked with him for a while and of course cried. They have marked the ground where the headstone will go, but we don't know when it will be put out. On our way back home we put the cross up at Matt's crash site. It was nice to finally get that done and put up.


Today has been another lazy day. I'm feeling a little better, but decided to take it easy before I go back to work. We did go out to get groceries and dinner.

Thank goodness its only a 4-day work week.

Therapy Session #1

So yesterday afternoon I went to my first therapy session. I felt a knot in my stomach most of the day and I was really nervous about starting again. Now I'm glad I did. Yesterday's session was basically her getting my history. I could tell my the look on her face when I started going through the line-up that she knew my family was fucked up and she got confused several times when referring back to them. hee hee

Something interesting that we talked about was that I play the mother role in my family. I want the control and everyone comes to me for their problems. I allow them to and it puts a ton more stress on me. I already knew this, but it was interesting hearing it from an outsider's point of view. She said I needed to tell them that I am hear to listen, but that if it gets to much for me, then it was ok to just say I can't take anymore. I'm stressed too and that's what I talk to my therapist about and you need to do the same. She asked me to look at the situation and tell her if I thought it was ok. The situation being me in the mother role. It was my mom's job not mine. I knew this but my mom hasn't been a good mom to any of us, thus why I've taken on the role. I need to step aside and let her get back into that role as being our mom.

We talked about Eric and she said that I was neglecting my duties as his wife in many areas b/c of the depression I am facing w/ my family. She said one day, even though he is patient right now, he will wear thin and eventually give me the ultimatum of him or my family. She also thinks that the majority of my problem w/ IF is stress and depression, which I have said for a long time.

She also said it sounds like my family abuses prescription drugs. I told her about how my mom, aunt, and grams all convince their doctors to be put on anti-depressants (ADs) and don't receive the therapy that SHOULD go along with it. They also abuse men Not my grams, but definitely my mom and aunt. She assumed w/out my telling her that my mom had at least had drug and alcohol problems. She has an addictive personality for the wrong things.

We talked about my brother and some things that bothered me that I had not gotten closure from, but after talking about it w/ her I got a good feeling. Almost like Matt was listening and saying, "I know, Erica, I know".

I could have talked to her for another hour at least, but I'm sure I'll have more to say next week. She was impressed that I blogged/journaled and told me to try to blog at least once a day. Also to work on setting my family straight w/ bringing me into the middle of things. That shouldn't be too hard b/c I was working on it before Matt died, but just lost it all when he died. One thing I have to come back with next week is what my goals for therapy are and what I want to get out of it. The last thing we discussed was drugs and I told her I didn't want to go that route at least right now. That the only reason I went on them when I was in counseling 3 years ago was b/c after a couple of months I wasn't getting the grip and agreed that I needed to "come down" a bit to find that grip. And even then I wasn't on them too long. I'm not totally against drugs, but I think you need to at least try to find peace w/in yourself first. If you can't then drugs can help bring you down to where you able to find it.

Game Back On

I called my doctor first thing this morning to let them know that Round 3 didn't work and that I thought Dr. S wanted to refer me on now. She asked me the normal "When did you start?" Me: This morning, blah, blah, blah questions, said she'd talk to the doctor and call me back. They are good about calling back so I knew they would and I figured it would be around lunch time.

I spent the morning preparing myself for an appointment probably at the end of the year w/ the RE since he is only in town once a week, etc., etc., etc.

I got a call a little while ago saying Dr. S wanted me to do another round of clomid, but he also wants me to come in on Day 14 for an ultrasound. I started to get pissed when I heard the beginning, but was fine after I realize I was actually going to get monitored this round. So I guess I'm ok with it now.

Eric decided that I would be on bed rest the rest of this month and not talking to anyone in the family to alleviate any potential stressors with the exception of going to work. Maybe working out in the mornings will help me not eat like shit the rest of the day, too. Danialle decided I was not to eat any mexican food this month b/c it upsets our stomachs and ends up being an excuse to not BD... ha ha ha

So I guess it's game back on for at least one more month. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

It's Over

AF graced me with her presence at 5 am this morning. Ironically today is my last VIP day w/ FF and I don't intend on continuing the VIP service. I didn't mention it yet here, but will now... August 13 offically marked our 2 year anniversary of TTC. That truly sucks and it's not the kind of anniversary I want to have, let alone celebrate. Today I get to call my doc and tell them the 3rd round of clomid did not work, so go ahead and refer me on. Lovely.

I called yesterday and set up counseling. It's a combination of grief counseling and depression counseling. I went to this place about 3 years ago and it helped, but I wasn't all that fond of my counselor, so it only lasted a few months. I found out that they have a place on the west side near my house so I'm going to that one, which means a new counselor. The only downfall is that they don't have evening hours like the other place so I have to do flex time at work. It shouldn't be too bad though. Except I will have to miss some work for the IF/RE appts, too. Oh, well, they can kiss it!

I've had a damn rough year, it can't get much worse can it?

Wolves, drinks, and laughter

This is what our weekend was filled with. Mom didn't come up Friday night like planned. We waited around for until about 6:30 when we started becoming ravenous and I finally called her. To my surprise she answered and said she wasn't coming. She had been to her first grief session and was exhausted. We decided to go ahead and head to BW3s for dinner. After dinner we came home and Danialle arrived around 10:00. We stayed up and chatted for a bit, but were both pretty tired, so we hit the bed.

Saturday morning we got up and tried calling mom, but she wasn't answering. We finally headed to breakfast with out her. After breakfast we went home to make sure mom hadn't shown up and then headed to my sister's dorm to visit her. I won't go into detail but let's just say we surprised her a bit... :D Mom called as we left and she had over slept, but was getting ready to head up. Danialle had to go on down to C'ville for her event and we headed home to wait for mom. When mom arrive we looked through some things and was talking about going to Wolf Park when it started raining. We used the rain to have the opportunity to go through some of my brothers stuff. It was really nice to go through it finally and it gave me a little closure. He had written a couple of notes in his belongings I guess as reminders to himself, but they also were nice for us to read, too. Soon after, it stopped and cleared off and we headed to the park. It was such a nice time. We shopped around the gift store and then went on the walking tour which was about 3/4 mile or so. Our tour guide wasn't as good as last time, but he was ok. One funny part was towards the beginning of the tour this little boy was sitting on a bench next to the fence. Well this wolf went into this "stalking" stance b/c he saw the boy as dinner. The boy moved around and the wolf followed him. It was pretty funny. Obviously we were safe and he couldn't get the boy, but it was interesting to watch. We were a little bummed b/c by the time we got to the end we hadn't seen the 4 pups that were just introduced to the pack. We did see a couple of the yearlings though. But as we were walking back to the gift shop they were doing a seminar, so we went over to the beachers and there were probably 10-15 wolves (including the 4 pups) up there interacting with the workers and stuff. It was really cool and a nice ending. On the way home we called Ash and picked her up and went to eat at BW3s again. Mom & I both got a drink and we had some yummy food and interesting talks. After dinner we headed back to our house, drank some Asti and played some cards. Mom spent the night and Ash left w/ her boyfriend for the moment and we went to bed shortly thereafter.

Sunday morning we got up and let mom sleep in for a little while. I finally woke her up and we headed to breakfast. After that showed her how to get to Ash's dorm and headed home to load her car and she left for home. I took a nap for a while after mom left. I think I was just emotionally drained or something. After I got up we ran a few errands, then came home and vegged on the couch the rest of the evening.

I seem to have gotten a little busier at work since I last posted, so thus the lack of posts. My evenings haven't been as busy, but I've just been plain lazy. Can you ever forgive me internet? hee hee

Wednesday night Eric got to play in a double header co-ed softball game. I was pretty pissed at first b/c it was basically our entire co-ed team we played with with 1 new girl and 1 new guy. And they were wearing our freaking shirts we sponsored them with. Grrr!!! They are apparently just using Eric at their convenience. All I have to say is they better not think they can call the night before and ask us to drop our plans for the next night for their asses b/c it won't happen if we have plans. We did have plans that I really wish we would have stuck to. We had planned on taking Godiva to the "Hike w/ your Hound" event at the park, which I later found out was a good time. Aw, well.

The evenings have been so nice, too. Last night I sat out side and chatted w/ my mom for quite a while. She is coming up tonight and spending a couple days with us. I've been worrying about her a lot, too. She's been crying a lot, which I told her is normal, but it's causing her to miss quite a bit of work. Thankfully they are letting her take FMLA, so she won't lose her job. Unfortunately it is unpaid. She went to the doc yesterday though and they gave her some ADs and she was supposed to call today to set up appts for grief counseling. I think it will really help her. I'm glad she's going that way and not just popping pills to ease her pain. **Update: Mom goes to her first session at 3:30 today**

So, tonight we are planning on going to BW3s for dinner and to see my sister since she's working. After that we might walk across the bridge or mosey around downtown or something. Who knows!? Danialle is coming in later this evening so we will probably sit around and chat and maybe play some cards or something. Tomorrow is breakfast somewhere cheap before Danialle heads off to C'ville. After that we are heading over to Ash's dorm life so mom can get a glimpse of the fun she has. Then tomorrow afternoon we are planning on going out to Wolf Park to check that out. I'm sure mom will enjoy that most of all. Saturday night we'll probably relax and watch some movies. At some point we need to go through some of Matt's stuff that we have in our garage, but I think we all are not looking forward to that. Then Sunday mom will be going home. I'd like to get some yard/landscape work done, but won't be too upset if I don't get around to it.

So hope all of you have a good weekend, too. Hopefully next week I'll get back to regular posts and pics from the weekend, too.

"Life goes on, but never the same"

Someone stopped me in the hall yesterday to give his condolensces. He gave me that quote that apparently a monk gave him once. I like it.

I'm back

Wow! I haven't updated in quite a while. I've been super busy at work and by the time I get home have no desire to sit in front of the computer to update or even browse others' blogs. So, yes I wasn't updating or really reading too many of anyone elses blogs. Heck I barely caught the news. I think I'm back now though. I spent most of my lunch hour reading some blogs, but still haven't been able to comment so please forgive me.

Despite being very busy I did get a few things done in the evening that I'm proud of. First of all, my gramps made a wooden cross to put at my brother's crash site a while back. I've been neglecting it for a week or two now. I finally got some stencils and put his name and dates on it. I messed up at first, so I still have a little touch up to do and then we have to weather-proof it. I will finish it up this week though b/c my mom is coming up on Saturday and we are going to put it at the site then. I'm also hoping to come up with some fun stuff to do with her. She's having a really hard time right now and is going to go to some therapy, which I highly recommended to her, too.

Anyway, we had a pretty good weekend. On Saturday we went up to Chicago to check out Danialle's new pad, go to the Air & Water show and eat some delicious grub prepared by Chef Jamie. It was a nice day, too, which made it even better. We sat in the shade so I didn't really think about sunscreen and I did get a little pink, but it wasn't a horrible sunburn or anything. Yesterday we were pretty lazy most of the day. Ok, well, all of the day. Eric went out to get Taco*Bell for lunch and then we did go out and rent Sin*City and get pizza for dinner. That about summed it up though. I wanted to pull some weeds and do some things outside, but the couch kept me hostage. I didn't complain too much.

Today is the first day of classes for the kiddies. I've been quite busy today, but have been working on this lovely post during my spare time. In fact, it's almost time for me to go home now, so I decided I better finish it up and actually publish it. I'll try to post a little more regular this week. Oh, if you have not noticed my chart I'm on CD 25, 7 DPO and it's looking pretty nice so far. Interesting, too... I don't want to jinx it so I won't say any more. ha ha I'll try to get back to giving a few comments later this week, too. Forgive me!

Happy Birthday Danialle!

Everyone go over and wish her a Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday Dear Danialle!
Happy Birthday to you!

I love and miss you! Can't wait to see you this weekend!

Where am I?

Well, I had sort of a down weekend and didn't do a whole lot. Work this week and for the next 2-3 weeks is a really busy time for me, so I will only be updating periodically as time permits. Why can't I update at home? Well, I could, but we have been busy in the evenings and weekends, too and I haven't had a ton of motivation when we aren't busy.

Ok, so my weekend went like so... Friday after work we headed to this new place (for us) Boiler*Market and got pizza to go. We had heard that their pizza was great so we thought we'd try. Eric got cheese & I got Margherita and we got some breadsticks. The pizza was quite yummy and not majorly greasy either. While eating our pizza we watched Coach*Carter, which was a good movie. I've been battling headaches for the last week so I went to bed shortly after that.

Saturday we got up and I cleaned the house. Originally my grandparents were going to come up and help Eric work on the bathroom tub. It needs some new drywall and re-cocked. Well, something came up with them, so they postponed. I ended up going with my sister to get some supplies for when she starts college in a few weeks. It was quite fun having a little girl time and wondering around picking up stuff. I even splurged on a few things myself for a little pampering. Speaking of, have you tried the new Oil*of*Olay*Moisturinse*Lotion? You put it on in the shower, then rinse it off and it's suppose to moisturize your body. I have used it a couple of days and it seems nice and it definitely smells good. I bought the "senstive skin" one and so far it isn't breaking me out, so I think I'll try using it every day and see how it goes. After we got back home Ash left for work and Eric & I tried to figure out what we were going to do. I was in a weird mood and just felt like wondering around. We went to Meijer* and wondered around there for a while then headed over to play putt-putt. However, they only take cash and we didn't want to go to the ATM and back, so we just headed to BW3*s for dinner. Then we came home, watched a little TV and hit the bed.

Sunday was a big day. We got up early and got ready and took Godiva to the softball field near our home. I had made a play date w/ a lady I know at work and her yellow lab and they had a blast. They ran pretty hard for about 30 minutes and then were exhausted, so we didn't play too long. It's funny how Godiva picks things up from other dogs. We brought her tennis ball and a frisbee. She wouldn't go near the frisbee, but Suni (the yellow lab) was playing with it. After we got home, she was quite interested in it and carried it around and chewed on it. Anyway, we left our house again around 11 and headed to C'ville. We stopped by my brother's grave for a little while. It was the first time I'd been there since he was buried. It sucks that we can't visit him very often, but I will every single time I go home. After that we went to visit my mom for a little while. Then headed to my sister's other house for a going away luncheon. It was quite fun b/c they live on 65 acres and they were shooting guns at clay pigeons. I didn't shoot, but the guys had a blast. Later they decided to start shooting at coke cans and water bottles. We were both pretty exhausted from the day by the time we got home, so we had a relaxing evening on the couch for the most part and went to bed early.

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

That is the million dollar question today.

Personally I did a few things "work-related" this morning. However late morning I started working on the new tattoo I'm going to get REAL soon. See, after my brother died I told Eric I wanted to get a tattoo w/ something to do w/ Matt. Eric came up w/ getting the same tattoo as my brother, but putting his name and the "dates" on it, too. I thought this was a splendid idea. I called my mom to tell her and she had already thought of the same thing, but hadn't said anything, so we decided to get matching ones. Mom finally sent me a copy of the pic she took of matt's photo and w/ the help of creative Mistressfoy have come up with an AWESOME looking tat! I'm not going to talk about the actual design here, but will post a pic after we get inked in mid-Sept.

Clomid Cycle #3

So I officially started my third and final clomid cycle. At least before my OB/GYN refers me on to a RE. I started popping the pills yesterday. Woohoo! That's about all I have to say about that right now. :D

Ascension by Colleen Hitchcock

I happened upon this poem this morning and thought I'd share. It really brings a smile to my face and warm feeling to my heart!

Ascension
by Colleen Hitchcock

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.


Used with Author's Permission. Ascension ©1987 by Colleen Corah Hitchcock,
P. O. Box 390082, Edina, MN 55439 www.colleenhitchcock.com


Eric told me last night that he's worried about me b/c I haven't grieved. I think I am still grieving. I may not break down and lose it, but I am grieving in my own way. Everyone grieves differently. I talk to Matt every single day several times a day. I wear the "donate life" bracelet always and every time it catches my eye I think of Matt. And sometimes I find myself touching it or rubbing it and it makes me feel closer to Matt.

Verdict In

I called the doc's office this morning and explained that Cycle 2 of clomid did not work, but that my brother had been killed in a car accident around the time I ovulated, so it might be related to the stress and I would really like to try one more round before he refers me on. She gave her condolences and said she would talk to the doc and call me back. They just called back and said he'd call in another round. Woohoo! I get to start that on Wednesday.

CD 1 - Revised

Apparently I was only spotting a little bit last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks about 4:00 this morning, so today is my first official cycle day. Even better. That's how I started July, might as well start August the same way. Ugh!