Therapy...

First thing I did Monday when I went in for my therapy appointment was schedule my next appointment for 1 month out. Big Mistake!

We had a really good conversation at first just catching up on things like Ashlee, Christmas on my mom's side, GWO. Then we got to talking about Eric & I and I asked her about marriage counseling. We have a few issues, but nothing to get divorced over. After we got into that deep she determined the source of a lot of problems. She said that I am suffering from post traumatic anxiety of Matt's death now. I've been having dreams, snapshots, flashbacks, whatever and they give me a horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen. I even get anxious riding in a car for long distances. (Longer than just to work or around town). It's horrible and its making me crazy. I've realized I'm quite numb to my feelings about anything these days and realizing that makes me even worse off. She told me to talk to Eric about it and I did. I feel a little better, but I just can't get over this hump. I know it's going to take a while, too. I'm also going to buy a photo album or scrapbook and go through all the stuff I have of Matt and put that together. She suggested I do it with Eric and talk about it while I'm doing it.

I told her about the DVD I'm making for the family of video of Matt & a picture slideshow and how I spent 5 hours scanning all the pictures and she thinks that may have been what triggered all this. (I just scanned them a few weeks ago) So I went on to talk about the movie editing and stuff and she was glad that we had given it to Danialle to finish. (BIG Thanks D!)

We concluded that this was also affecting my sleep, too. My mind races and I worry about everything when I'm finally able to have some quiet time each day and it causes me to have trouble going to sleep and staying asleep b/c every time I wake up I'm back to racing.

She thinks that for the last 6 months I've been occupied with my family and how they are handling Matt's death and haven't actually grieved myself even though I thought I had. I realize now that she is right. Now that everyone else is doing better it's like my body can let down this guard and allow me to finally grieve.

Some things to work on per my therapist include going through my "Matt stuff" and getting it ready for a scrapbook or album. Actually going to the gym like we'd planned instead of just planning it. I've been M, T, W already this week! I'm actually even getting up at 5 am and going to do cardio every morning. Then 2 evenings during the week and 1 day on the weekend we are doing weights.

So I got to call the office back and reschedule my 4 week appointment to NEXT WEEK. If I'm not any better I have to see Dr. Banana again (I saw him a few years ago) and possibly get back on some type of med. Even if it's just something to help me sleep at night. I don't want to go back on the meds, so I'm really trying really hard not to. I realize that it will be just one week since all this realization, so hopefully I'm heading uphill now.

I know I'm not to the point I was at a few years ago, but I know that I'm not doing great either.