Yep, this evening I started. Nothing else to say, except I had little doubt w/ everything that has happened this month. I'm going to call the doc in the morning and see what happens now. Maybe they'll let me try one more month of clomid, maybe they'll refer me on. I really don't even know which I prefer right now. I feel a little hopeless right now. I have so much anger inside right now and its eating at me. We haven't went through my brother's stuff yet. Most of it is in our garage (long story) and mom went to a friend's who lives out of state for a few days including the weekend. Hopefully we'll be able to go through his stuff this weekend. I haven't been to Matt's grave since the day he was buried. We are broke until Wednesday and can't really afford the gas money to drive down there and back. We are going down next weekend though.
Everything just sucks, what else can I say right now?
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Matt's Photo Album
Here is a photo album I've started of my brother, too. I will be adding to it as I find and scan new pics.
Donate Life
organ_donor_logo
Originally uploaded by Mrs-T.
My brother lost his life, but gave life to others. He was an organ donor. He was able to donate his liver, kidneys, pancreas, tissue, heart valves, arteries and veins. Unfortunately he wasn't able to donate the huge wonderful heart he had, but he still donated a lot. A cousin of ours brought this box to the funeral that contained pins, wristbands, and magnets for organ donation and I think everyone realized that Matt still impacted so many lives even after he lost his own life. I put everything in a box after we got home from the funeral b/c it was just to hard on me. Yesterday I decided to get my wristband out and I now wear it proudly. It helps ease my pain a bit, too b/c Matt is always with me now. I can touch my wristband and I can look down and think of him every time I notice my bracelet. I have always been pro-organ donation. I realized the night they said Matt wasn't going to make it just how hard it was on my mom to make that decision. I think after she realized what Matt could give to other people and that he would still be "out there" it really helped. There was a lady, Joy, that worked with the family all night and day. She was the most wonderful lady around. She really helped ease some of our pain, too. Yes, she was there for the organ donation cause, but she was also there just for us and didn't push anything on us. She gave my mom a memory box about organ donation and a medal of organ donation. They send you information on the donor recipients. Not their names of course, but basic information on them. They send you grieving brochures and other letters. There is an organ donation memorial in the spring every year and a quilt w/ a square for each donor. It is just an all around wonderful thing.
Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers and general comments. It really means a lot. I'm still in a lot of pain and will be for quite some time. I haven't fully broke down yet, but feel it coming. I still feel so numb and in shock.
Monday, July 25, 2005
He's Gone
My brother was killed in a car accident a week ago. He hit a semi Monday, July 18 around 9:30 pm. We got a call around 10:30 that he was being life-lined. The helicopter landed right at the crash scene. We knew it wasn't good, but when we called for an update my brother had just arrived at the hospital and they were trying to stabilize him. It was about a 45 min. drive to the hospital and it was the longest drive OF MY LIFE. We got there about 11:30, which was about 10 minutes after my mom and grandparents had arrived. The doctor had just come in to say that my brother was brain dead. He would never regain consciousness and would be on life support. He had severe, severe head trauma to the back of his head and even if we left him on life support he wouldn't stay "alive" very long. We called all of the family and several came to the hospital to say their goodbyes. It was so hard seeing him that way. It was so surreal. He was still breathing. It felt like he was still there. But we knew he just really wasn't. He didn't suffer. He lost consciousness upon impact and never woke up.
We did get to bury him in his uniform. It was an open casket, but it looked nothing like him. He was so swollen. My god it's just doesn't feel real. He got a proper burial even though the fucking army refused to pay for anything or come w/ the casket crew (long story, will talk about later). My mom got a flag in Matt's honor as did his fucking worthless estranged wife (another long future story). I think I'm still in shock. I spent the weekend trying to be strong for my mom and sisters and holding them up. I feel so numb and in another world. I can't believe my brother is GONE. I'll never see him again. I'll never talk to him again. I thank god that he was home when he died and we didn't lose him in the war. He was scheduled to deploy in November. We had our entire family home for the 4th of July and even got some great pics w/ the entire family and our immediate family. He enjoyed his last few weeks of his life, too. Even though he was miserable and depressed on the inside, he didn't show it much on the outside. He seemed fairly happy and content with life. We got to see him this past Sunday at my sisters birthday party. We got to see him the day before he had his accident and died. Maybe that is why this is even harder. Maybe it's b/c he was only 22 years old. There are so many "what ifs" and "whys" and "should/could haves" and every other emotion going through each of us.
I will miss him so much!
We did get to bury him in his uniform. It was an open casket, but it looked nothing like him. He was so swollen. My god it's just doesn't feel real. He got a proper burial even though the fucking army refused to pay for anything or come w/ the casket crew (long story, will talk about later). My mom got a flag in Matt's honor as did his fucking worthless estranged wife (another long future story). I think I'm still in shock. I spent the weekend trying to be strong for my mom and sisters and holding them up. I feel so numb and in another world. I can't believe my brother is GONE. I'll never see him again. I'll never talk to him again. I thank god that he was home when he died and we didn't lose him in the war. He was scheduled to deploy in November. We had our entire family home for the 4th of July and even got some great pics w/ the entire family and our immediate family. He enjoyed his last few weeks of his life, too. Even though he was miserable and depressed on the inside, he didn't show it much on the outside. He seemed fairly happy and content with life. We got to see him this past Sunday at my sisters birthday party. We got to see him the day before he had his accident and died. Maybe that is why this is even harder. Maybe it's b/c he was only 22 years old. There are so many "what ifs" and "whys" and "should/could haves" and every other emotion going through each of us.
I will miss him so much!
Monday, July 18, 2005
Your Questions Answered Here
Now that I've got to know a few of my readers better, I thought I'd answer your questions and talk about a few other tidbits from your comments...
I asked "What one question would you like me to answer? Here are your questions w/ the responses.
Jennifer asked: If you suddenly could keep only one of your dogs, which one could it be?
How could you ask this question?? I can't choose between my wonderful PITA dogs. ha ha ha It would probably depend on what day you asked me. I love Krissy, however she is 10 years old, so I know her time is limited. She is the most well behaved and smart dog ever. I love Kodi, however she's 7. She was my baby before Godiva though and I'm the only mom she's known. Godiva, well, I think you all know where I stand with her. She's 10 months old and still a puppy, thus her constant barking, biting, jumping, whining, etc., etc., etc. ha ha ha I didn't answer your question, eh?
Katie asked: What's your favorite hobby?
I'd have to say being outside doing anything. I love landscaping and gardening and weeding and replanting and all that. Just love it! And its a stress reliever for me, too. Added bonus.
Valerie/Owensmama asked: What book are you currently reading?
I started "I Don't Know How She Does It" by Allison Pearson, but haven't got but a few pages in b/c we've been so busy. I hope to pick it back up this week.
Lisa asked: How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Not enough! Although my hubby will probably disagree with me! ha ha ha I've actually tried to be more feminine in my shoes recently, so I've got rid of several pair. Of course that means I have to buy new ones to replace them. I'm still working on the replacements and then some.
CiNdy asked: What do you do to take care of you during all this?
Well, that's a good question. We've been going to the gym and eating better since January. In fact, I've lost 15 pounds. I know I haven't taken the best care of myself emotionally through this. I have my moments I suppose and am getting better about expressing my feelings a little at a time.
Dooneybug asked: How many kids do you want?
Good question. At this very moment, hell, I'd live with just one if I could just get pregnant and give birth once! Idealistically, I would like 2 kids for sure and possibly 3. However the 3 is questionable b/c having 3 dogs didn't turn out to be the greatest idea. You have that lonely middle child/dog and feels left out all the time. We'll see what happens I guess.
Tomika asked: What role do you think God has in your ability to conceive a child?
Another good question. In fact I have this conversation and someone (even if its just my ceiling) a lot. I haven't come up with a definite answer yet really. Sometimes I think it's in my/our plan. Sometimes I think someone is trying to teach my patience. I think Eric agrees with this one. :) Sorry, I don't have a better answer, but I still haven't figured it out myself yet.
Random Bits About you
What do we have in common? Mostly Infertility/TTC issues
Looks like my good friend Jennifer led several of you to me, too. Thanks Jennifer!
You want to hear more about my family? Wow! Ugh! They are so emotionally draining sometimes. I know I will have more coming soon. At least now I know I don't bore you all with those posts! They are somewhat of an outlet for me.
CiNdy was right on when she said I hold back on talking about my dealing w/ IF. I'll try to talk more about it, but it's difficult for me. I've always been very independent and strong (at least on the outside). I hold everything in and put myself on the bottom of my priority list. I know this drives me hubby nuts, too, but he has little room to talk b/c he doesn't talk about his feelings much either. Which leads me to the next tidbit...
Dooneybug wanted more about my hubby and how he's dealing with it. Again, he doesn't really talk about it much. He is optimistic and thinks it will happen. He has a little more patience than me and it doesn't seem to wear on him like it does me. Or at least that's how he lets on. Who knows!? I know it bothers him, but I think his focus is more on me and my emotional bags than himself.
Finally, location of my Readers:
OH - 1
NY - 1
CA - 1
GA - 1
TX - 2
MN - 1
Many thanks to all of you for answering my questions and letting me get to know you a little. That was fun!
I asked "What one question would you like me to answer? Here are your questions w/ the responses.
Jennifer asked: If you suddenly could keep only one of your dogs, which one could it be?
How could you ask this question?? I can't choose between my wonderful PITA dogs. ha ha ha It would probably depend on what day you asked me. I love Krissy, however she is 10 years old, so I know her time is limited. She is the most well behaved and smart dog ever. I love Kodi, however she's 7. She was my baby before Godiva though and I'm the only mom she's known. Godiva, well, I think you all know where I stand with her. She's 10 months old and still a puppy, thus her constant barking, biting, jumping, whining, etc., etc., etc. ha ha ha I didn't answer your question, eh?
Katie asked: What's your favorite hobby?
I'd have to say being outside doing anything. I love landscaping and gardening and weeding and replanting and all that. Just love it! And its a stress reliever for me, too. Added bonus.
Valerie/Owensmama asked: What book are you currently reading?
I started "I Don't Know How She Does It" by Allison Pearson, but haven't got but a few pages in b/c we've been so busy. I hope to pick it back up this week.
Lisa asked: How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Not enough! Although my hubby will probably disagree with me! ha ha ha I've actually tried to be more feminine in my shoes recently, so I've got rid of several pair. Of course that means I have to buy new ones to replace them. I'm still working on the replacements and then some.
CiNdy asked: What do you do to take care of you during all this?
Well, that's a good question. We've been going to the gym and eating better since January. In fact, I've lost 15 pounds. I know I haven't taken the best care of myself emotionally through this. I have my moments I suppose and am getting better about expressing my feelings a little at a time.
Dooneybug asked: How many kids do you want?
Good question. At this very moment, hell, I'd live with just one if I could just get pregnant and give birth once! Idealistically, I would like 2 kids for sure and possibly 3. However the 3 is questionable b/c having 3 dogs didn't turn out to be the greatest idea. You have that lonely middle child/dog and feels left out all the time. We'll see what happens I guess.
Tomika asked: What role do you think God has in your ability to conceive a child?
Another good question. In fact I have this conversation and someone (even if its just my ceiling) a lot. I haven't come up with a definite answer yet really. Sometimes I think it's in my/our plan. Sometimes I think someone is trying to teach my patience. I think Eric agrees with this one. :) Sorry, I don't have a better answer, but I still haven't figured it out myself yet.
Random Bits About you
What do we have in common? Mostly Infertility/TTC issues
Looks like my good friend Jennifer led several of you to me, too. Thanks Jennifer!
You want to hear more about my family? Wow! Ugh! They are so emotionally draining sometimes. I know I will have more coming soon. At least now I know I don't bore you all with those posts! They are somewhat of an outlet for me.
CiNdy was right on when she said I hold back on talking about my dealing w/ IF. I'll try to talk more about it, but it's difficult for me. I've always been very independent and strong (at least on the outside). I hold everything in and put myself on the bottom of my priority list. I know this drives me hubby nuts, too, but he has little room to talk b/c he doesn't talk about his feelings much either. Which leads me to the next tidbit...
Dooneybug wanted more about my hubby and how he's dealing with it. Again, he doesn't really talk about it much. He is optimistic and thinks it will happen. He has a little more patience than me and it doesn't seem to wear on him like it does me. Or at least that's how he lets on. Who knows!? I know it bothers him, but I think his focus is more on me and my emotional bags than himself.
Finally, location of my Readers:
OH - 1
NY - 1
CA - 1
GA - 1
TX - 2
MN - 1
Many thanks to all of you for answering my questions and letting me get to know you a little. That was fun!
Chemical Free
Here is another reason I'm choosing to stay chemical free whether I get pregnant or not. That totally sucks!
CD 18, 1-3 DPO, CC 2
So I have officially ovulated now. FF says it was Friday, but I am thinking more like yesterday knowing my past, so I over-rode it... Saturday & Sunday's temps were really not high enough even though they were higher than the previous 4 days. I also had some very distinct EWCM Sunday morning. Now the lovely 2WW begins. I do feel pretty good about it considering the CM definitely was much better this month. Our timing wasn't too bad whether I o'd on Friday or Sunday. We'll see what gets thrown our way. Hopefully not another foul ball. I'm ready to hit a home run! Keep your fingers crossed for us!
Weekend
Our weekend was nice. Friday night we went to a bike store and looked at some bikes for both of us. We can't get them right now, but we know what we want and how much we will need to spend. I'm anxious to get them now of course. After that we headed to BW3*s for dinner. It was good as always, but I got an appetizer and then didn't end up eating much of the actual food.
Saturday we tried to sleep in. Godiva, of course, was up at the crack of dawn. Eric got up with her and I tried to sleep more, but she sat our bedroom door and whined to come in for about 30 minutes, so I finally got up. No, I can't just keep the door open b/c she will not just come and lay with me. When she's up that means she is either playing or terrorizing her sisters, which does not make for good sleep. We decided to get mexican for lunch and then head to the movie to see Charlie and the Choc*olate Factory. It was good, but freaky. I agree w/ Dooneybug's review of it completely. We didn't have any major complaints about the movie patrons this time. There were some kids in there, but they behaved themselves overall. After the movie we drove around looking at houses and areas we might be interested in moving to. We are thinking about putting our house up for sale next year and just seeing if anything happens. We've definitely found some areas we DON'T want to be in, which is a good thing. When we got home, I tried taking a nap and we ended up watching Sup*ersize Me. Ugh! Definitely makes you evaluate your eating habits! We don't eat a ton of fast food now anyway. We do eat out more than we should though. Eric decided that the only fast food we were going to eat from now on is Sub*way and Moe*'s. I hope we stick to it.
Yesterday we went to a cookout down south for my youngest sister. She turned 17 last weekend. It was a nice quaint little cookout. All of my siblings were there, which was good, too. After the cookout we headed home and watch White Noi*se. It was an ok movie, but very eery. It really freaked Eric out especially. We were sure we were both going to have nightmares or that our TV was going to turn on at 2:30 am. Eric vowed that it would be in pieces if it did. ha ha ha We did however sleep fine. No nightmares or freak white noi*se incidents.
Saturday we tried to sleep in. Godiva, of course, was up at the crack of dawn. Eric got up with her and I tried to sleep more, but she sat our bedroom door and whined to come in for about 30 minutes, so I finally got up. No, I can't just keep the door open b/c she will not just come and lay with me. When she's up that means she is either playing or terrorizing her sisters, which does not make for good sleep. We decided to get mexican for lunch and then head to the movie to see Charlie and the Choc*olate Factory. It was good, but freaky. I agree w/ Dooneybug's review of it completely. We didn't have any major complaints about the movie patrons this time. There were some kids in there, but they behaved themselves overall. After the movie we drove around looking at houses and areas we might be interested in moving to. We are thinking about putting our house up for sale next year and just seeing if anything happens. We've definitely found some areas we DON'T want to be in, which is a good thing. When we got home, I tried taking a nap and we ended up watching Sup*ersize Me. Ugh! Definitely makes you evaluate your eating habits! We don't eat a ton of fast food now anyway. We do eat out more than we should though. Eric decided that the only fast food we were going to eat from now on is Sub*way and Moe*'s. I hope we stick to it.
Yesterday we went to a cookout down south for my youngest sister. She turned 17 last weekend. It was a nice quaint little cookout. All of my siblings were there, which was good, too. After the cookout we headed home and watch White Noi*se. It was an ok movie, but very eery. It really freaked Eric out especially. We were sure we were both going to have nightmares or that our TV was going to turn on at 2:30 am. Eric vowed that it would be in pieces if it did. ha ha ha We did however sleep fine. No nightmares or freak white noi*se incidents.
Friday, July 15, 2005
I Really Do Want to Know
All about you.
1. What do we have in common?
2. What DON’T we have in common?
3. How did you find my blog? If Another Blogger, who?
4. What do you enjoy about this blog, if anything?
5. Do you comment?
6. What do you wish I’d shut up about?
7. What do you wish I’d talk more about?
8. Where are you from?
9. What one question would you like me to answer?
10. Do you have a blog? Where is it then?
Giving credit where credit is due. I strole this from her
1. What do we have in common?
2. What DON’T we have in common?
3. How did you find my blog? If Another Blogger, who?
4. What do you enjoy about this blog, if anything?
5. Do you comment?
6. What do you wish I’d shut up about?
7. What do you wish I’d talk more about?
8. Where are you from?
9. What one question would you like me to answer?
10. Do you have a blog? Where is it then?
Giving credit where credit is due. I strole this from her
CD 15, CC 2
Yep, I'm still waiting to ovulate. I imagine it will be today or tomorrow at the lastest. I felt crampy last night and today, so I'm not too concerned about not O-ing this month. I'm super excited that I've actually got some CM this month! I think I even had EW the other day, but am not 100% positive b/c of when I found it (long story and TMI). Ironially I haven't been drinking any Green Tea either. That's ok though, whatever is causing this "flow" is fine by me. hee hee
On a slightly different note, after doing some research, I decided to start taking flaxseed oil. It seems to be a very good thing to take. It helps with moods (depression, PPD, anxiety), as well as other stuff like your hair and skin. I used to take Fish Oil for a few years and definitely noticed a difference in my skin. I've read on a few blogs about flaxseed, so I thought I'd give it a try, too. If anyone has read or been told that it is bad for the TTC or early pregnancy, PLEASE TELL ME RIGHT AWAY! I haven't found anything like that though. I'm starting out at 1000 mg per day right now although I've heard people take 2000 mg per day or more. We'll see how this goes for a few weeks first.
On a slightly different note, after doing some research, I decided to start taking flaxseed oil. It seems to be a very good thing to take. It helps with moods (depression, PPD, anxiety), as well as other stuff like your hair and skin. I used to take Fish Oil for a few years and definitely noticed a difference in my skin. I've read on a few blogs about flaxseed, so I thought I'd give it a try, too. If anyone has read or been told that it is bad for the TTC or early pregnancy, PLEASE TELL ME RIGHT AWAY! I haven't found anything like that though. I'm starting out at 1000 mg per day right now although I've heard people take 2000 mg per day or more. We'll see how this goes for a few weeks first.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Bladder Control & Stamina
Mine is gone. I have to pee constantly even after I just peed. I should get frequent miles for as many times as I go to the bathroom. At LEAST every 1-2 hours. No more than 2 though for sure. I used to be able to hold it forever. Do you think it has caught up with me? Maybe. I hate it. I wonder if it's b/c of all the water I drink now. I used to drink that much liquid, just in the form of cokes... Nighttime is the absolute worst. I make sure I go before I go to bed, but I always wake up several hours before my alarm clock goes off and god forbid I get up and go for fear of messing up my temp! Then I have to hold it and hope I don't pee my pants before it gets close enough that I can take my temp early and make a mad dash to the bathroom. I don't know what my problem is anymore, but it's frustrating to see the least.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Acupuncture for IF
I've had several people ask me if I've thought about acupuncture for IF and recently read on several blogs about acupuncture, so I thought I'd look into it. I found one single place in town that does it. Basically the first session is where she gets an extensive background/history on me. The session would last approximately 3 hours. During this session she would determine how many actual acupuncture sessions I would need. That session would cost somewhere between $225-400. The actual acupuncture sessions run $100 each.
In a nutshell, we can't afford this right now, but it is cheaper than some other procedures, so it might be something we look at in the future. I don't imagine my insurance will cover it in any way.
In a nutshell, we can't afford this right now, but it is cheaper than some other procedures, so it might be something we look at in the future. I don't imagine my insurance will cover it in any way.
Danialle, Jennifer, Erica & Samara at Due Amici's
Danialle, Jennifer, Erica & Samara at Due Amici's
Originally uploaded by Mrs-T.
Present GWO 09 - July 2005 Pics! Enjoy!
Here you can see pics from the rest of the weekend w/ descriptions!Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Pictures Galore!
During my down time today I've been diligently working on moving all of my pictures over to flickr. I've decided it is much better than yahoo photos b/c of it's capabilities in linking to my blog, etc. So far I've got a few pics of Eric & I, some pics of the doggies, GWO 1-8 + 2 GWO Baby Showers. Here is what I still have left to do or plan to do in the near future.
- GWO 09 - July 2005 (the pics are here right now although I haven't bothered to give you any descriptions
- Family Misc.
- Kisha, Levi, Caidence - I just got a new pic last night even!
- Brother Matt
- Sister Ashlee
- Sister Lindsay - hope to get some pics this weekend of her
- Vacation - May 2005 - Fox River Resort in IL
- House Tour - I'm going to try to do this when I'm home alone next week unless I get bored this weekend
I know some of those pics don't really apply to you all much (except you might enjoy the house tour). It's more of a note to myself. hee hee
- GWO 09 - July 2005 (the pics are here right now although I haven't bothered to give you any descriptions
- Family Misc.
- Kisha, Levi, Caidence - I just got a new pic last night even!
- Brother Matt
- Sister Ashlee
- Sister Lindsay - hope to get some pics this weekend of her
- Vacation - May 2005 - Fox River Resort in IL
- House Tour - I'm going to try to do this when I'm home alone next week unless I get bored this weekend
I know some of those pics don't really apply to you all much (except you might enjoy the house tour). It's more of a note to myself. hee hee
Monday, July 11, 2005
GWO 9 - Ohio
We had another nice weekend getting together for our Girls' Weekend Out. I drove over Thursday afternoon and arrived at Jennifer's around 6:30 (their time). I visited w/ Eric (Jennifer's husband) and played with Grace. Jennifer & Danialle arrived soon after. After eating their fast food and playing more w/ Grace we decided to pack everything up and head to Samara's. We had a full load! When we got to Samara's we chatted and caught up and played with the babies. Everyone was tired so we didn't stay up too late.
Friday morning we got up and had breakfast and made our grocery list. We headed out around lunch time and headed to Tumble*weed for lunch. We were going to meet Samara there b/c she had to stop by the center and get some tubing for her pump. Unfortunately, Samara didn't have a great day and ended up missing lunch. :( AFter lunch and while we were waiting on Samara to call and meet us we headed to Fil*ene's. She finally called and we met up with her at Hobby Lo*bby. We wondered around HL for a while looking for something crafty to do on Saturday. We finally decided on stepping stones. Samara was exhausted and so she decided to head home for a nap while the rest of us headed to the grocery store. After we got home we lounged around the house for a bit and read some star trash magazines before starting our Mexican dinner. Dinner was pretty good. We had layer dip, beef taco cups, tacos, burritos, rice, and beans. We were so stuffed we forgot about dessert even! After dinner we watched Ava for a while so Samara could nap and finally headed to bed around 10 or so.
Saturday we got to sleep in a little. We got up and lounged some more and then started working on our stepping stones. We started by designing them on paper then poured the molds and transferred everything to the stone. It turned out to be really fun and the stones even turned out good, too. After finishing the stones up, we started getting ready for our girls night out w/out the little babes. We left around 5:30 for dinner and our reservation wasn't until 7. However when we got there, they got us right in. We had a wonderful dinner w/ lots of talking and laughing. The girls had some drinks and it was a nice evening. After dinner and dessert (of course) we decided it hadn't been long enough so we headed to BW*3s for a drink and chatting. We had planned on playing a round of putt-putt, but it was dark when we left BW*3s and Samara wasn't quite sure where it was so we headed back. When we got home everyone was fairly tired, so we got some stuff ready for our early departure in the morning and headed to bed.
Unfortunately Danialle got sick in the early morning hours and Grace decided to be a little chatty, so we ended up being awake way before our alarm was set to go off. We headed out and I dropped Danialle & Jennifer off before heading home myself. Overall it was a great weekend of girl time. I came back feeling somewhat refreshed. I love seeing my girls! I wish we lived closer and I could see them more often though!
When I got home I was exhausted. I was even having problems keeping my eyes open the last 30 minutes of the drive. Unfortunately when I got home I was so tired my body wouldn't let me nap. I tried taking a shower and eating lunch, but it didn't seem to help. I finally crashed in the afternoon for a while and spent a few of the evening hours w/ Eric and the doggies. I headed to bed shortly after 9 pm and slept like shit. I hope I sleep better tonight!
P.S.
I didn't get the pictures downloaded last night, but plan on getting them added tonight. Check back tomorrow to see them!
Friday morning we got up and had breakfast and made our grocery list. We headed out around lunch time and headed to Tumble*weed for lunch. We were going to meet Samara there b/c she had to stop by the center and get some tubing for her pump. Unfortunately, Samara didn't have a great day and ended up missing lunch. :( AFter lunch and while we were waiting on Samara to call and meet us we headed to Fil*ene's. She finally called and we met up with her at Hobby Lo*bby. We wondered around HL for a while looking for something crafty to do on Saturday. We finally decided on stepping stones. Samara was exhausted and so she decided to head home for a nap while the rest of us headed to the grocery store. After we got home we lounged around the house for a bit and read some star trash magazines before starting our Mexican dinner. Dinner was pretty good. We had layer dip, beef taco cups, tacos, burritos, rice, and beans. We were so stuffed we forgot about dessert even! After dinner we watched Ava for a while so Samara could nap and finally headed to bed around 10 or so.
Saturday we got to sleep in a little. We got up and lounged some more and then started working on our stepping stones. We started by designing them on paper then poured the molds and transferred everything to the stone. It turned out to be really fun and the stones even turned out good, too. After finishing the stones up, we started getting ready for our girls night out w/out the little babes. We left around 5:30 for dinner and our reservation wasn't until 7. However when we got there, they got us right in. We had a wonderful dinner w/ lots of talking and laughing. The girls had some drinks and it was a nice evening. After dinner and dessert (of course) we decided it hadn't been long enough so we headed to BW*3s for a drink and chatting. We had planned on playing a round of putt-putt, but it was dark when we left BW*3s and Samara wasn't quite sure where it was so we headed back. When we got home everyone was fairly tired, so we got some stuff ready for our early departure in the morning and headed to bed.
Unfortunately Danialle got sick in the early morning hours and Grace decided to be a little chatty, so we ended up being awake way before our alarm was set to go off. We headed out and I dropped Danialle & Jennifer off before heading home myself. Overall it was a great weekend of girl time. I came back feeling somewhat refreshed. I love seeing my girls! I wish we lived closer and I could see them more often though!
When I got home I was exhausted. I was even having problems keeping my eyes open the last 30 minutes of the drive. Unfortunately when I got home I was so tired my body wouldn't let me nap. I tried taking a shower and eating lunch, but it didn't seem to help. I finally crashed in the afternoon for a while and spent a few of the evening hours w/ Eric and the doggies. I headed to bed shortly after 9 pm and slept like shit. I hope I sleep better tonight!
P.S.
I didn't get the pictures downloaded last night, but plan on getting them added tonight. Check back tomorrow to see them!
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Leaving for GWO
I will be leaving shortly to make my way to OH to see my wonderful girlfriends and two special babies, one of which I have yet to even meet. I will be returning home on Sunday, so don't expect a post until Monday (pics included). Hopefully I'll come back home feeling revived!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
CD 6, CC 2
So I've been taking my clomid again for the past 4 days and will take my last pill Friday. I have been more forgetfull this time. I forgot it on Monday and remembered late morning. I forgot it again this morning and took it late morning again. I don't know what is wrong with my memory. FYI - he prescribed 50 mg again. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Not sure why though. Maybe b/c it was the last night in the first bed we bought together. For whatever reason I'm irritable today. Or at least today is the first day I put it on my chart. :D So yes there have been other days besides today in the last 6 days. I also have forgotten to take my temp a couple of days (today included). I've had a headache 3 of the last 6 days. I wonder if that is considered a side effect, too. Hmmm... I don't seem to be as emotional, however I feel very anxious and ready to melt into tears at any moment. I'm surprised I haven't yet. So that sums up how my first 6 days on clomid have gone.
I'm leaving tomorow afternoon for OH to have a much needed GWO (Girls' Weekend Out). I imagine there will be tears, laughs, diapers, food and tons of talking. We always have such a good time. I am going to try to temp while I'm there, but reality is I'm not very worried about it. Sunday when I return home will be CD 10 and that is where I feel like it's time to get the ball rolling or the bed bouncing if you will. :) I thought about doing OPKs this month, too, but right now I don't think I'll do that either. My temps give me a great idea of ovulation, so it's not a huge deal either. I think I'll just be at the whim of my husband's desire this month and see where it takes us unless I see he's slacking off. ;)
Thank you all for your wonderful comments and thoughts after I had my freak-out post last week. I appreciate it from everyone. You are such a wonderful group of ladies. Whether I know you in person or not, you have been a great support for me, which in turn supports us. Thanks!
I'm leaving tomorow afternoon for OH to have a much needed GWO (Girls' Weekend Out). I imagine there will be tears, laughs, diapers, food and tons of talking. We always have such a good time. I am going to try to temp while I'm there, but reality is I'm not very worried about it. Sunday when I return home will be CD 10 and that is where I feel like it's time to get the ball rolling or the bed bouncing if you will. :) I thought about doing OPKs this month, too, but right now I don't think I'll do that either. My temps give me a great idea of ovulation, so it's not a huge deal either. I think I'll just be at the whim of my husband's desire this month and see where it takes us unless I see he's slacking off. ;)
Thank you all for your wonderful comments and thoughts after I had my freak-out post last week. I appreciate it from everyone. You are such a wonderful group of ladies. Whether I know you in person or not, you have been a great support for me, which in turn supports us. Thanks!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Happy 4th of July!
We had a pretty good weekend after my bad Friday. Friday night after Eric picked me up from work we headed south to see my sister in the hospital. I'm not sure if I've mentioned but she broke her ankle and had to get surgery on Thursday. She ended up getting 1 plate, 6 pins and 1 screw in her ankle. So anyway we visited her for quite a while and took my mom to dinner. It was a nice evening. Ash was pretty doped up and hurting, but she's tough.
Saturday morning we got up and had planned on going to see War of the Wor*lds, but after running several errands and lunch we decided to just have a relaxing evening at home, which is what we did.
Sunday we got up early and got ready. Eric's parents arrived around 11:30. After chatting with them for a while they proposed their proposition to us that we had no idea was coming. See when they stay with us, they sleep in our bed and we take the couch and air mattress. Well, MIL does not like our bed. Its only a full size and at least one dog sleeps with us. So yea, they wanted to buy us a new bed? How could we say NO? Well, we didn't. We shopped around several stores and EVERYONE tried out mattresses. We finally found one and bought it. It is going to be delivered this Wednesday. Woohoo! We can't wait! They left early evening and we headed south again for my family's fireworks festivities. Grams bought the stores out on supplies for sundaes, banana splits and ANYTHING you could think of for ice cream and goodies for the top. We had bought a few fireworks ourself and after we got there the guys thought they should just put on their own show for us and ended up making 2 more trips down the street to get more fireworks. It was a great time though over all. We had every single family member there (this is RARE) and got a nice family photo, including individual family photos and any other set-up you can think of. hee hee I was a bit nervous b/c Ash was coming home with us and I was worried about the dogs and just her being at our house w/ a broken ankle, but the dogs were fine. I think they sense it.
Yesterday we had a good day, too. We slept in a bit and lounged around on the couch a bit. In the afternoon, I washed Ash's hair for her and her back. We headed out to the fireworks around 4:30. After sitting for a while it started thundering and stuff, so we headed towards Piz*za Hut for dinner. While we were eating, it cut lose and there was a torrential down pour. It came down so fast that there was standing water every where. It was over the curb even. Eric drove up the sidewalk where wheel chairs can access in order for Ashlee to not get in the lake that had formed. It was quite humorous. We waited a while and it wasn't letting up, so we headed home. We checked and there was another line coming in, but not til later and it let up, so we headed back out. We set up shop behind the "Ho" and listened to the radio and munched on snacks. The fireworks ended up starting 25 minutes early, while we were on the way back from the bathroom, but they were still good. It was obvious that they were hurried as the show only lasted 15-20 minutes max. It was good though and we were back home by 9:40 or something. Several people in our neighborhood were letting stuff off and it didn't really bother me too bad, but apparently it started raining around 11:00. I think they got a nice show in though. I would have though they would have put their show on on Sunday since most people didn't have to work Monday, but nope they waited til the actual 4th. I was beat last night and finally fell asleep between 10:15-10:30. I slept like a log though. I think I needed it though.
Saturday morning we got up and had planned on going to see War of the Wor*lds, but after running several errands and lunch we decided to just have a relaxing evening at home, which is what we did.
Sunday we got up early and got ready. Eric's parents arrived around 11:30. After chatting with them for a while they proposed their proposition to us that we had no idea was coming. See when they stay with us, they sleep in our bed and we take the couch and air mattress. Well, MIL does not like our bed. Its only a full size and at least one dog sleeps with us. So yea, they wanted to buy us a new bed? How could we say NO? Well, we didn't. We shopped around several stores and EVERYONE tried out mattresses. We finally found one and bought it. It is going to be delivered this Wednesday. Woohoo! We can't wait! They left early evening and we headed south again for my family's fireworks festivities. Grams bought the stores out on supplies for sundaes, banana splits and ANYTHING you could think of for ice cream and goodies for the top. We had bought a few fireworks ourself and after we got there the guys thought they should just put on their own show for us and ended up making 2 more trips down the street to get more fireworks. It was a great time though over all. We had every single family member there (this is RARE) and got a nice family photo, including individual family photos and any other set-up you can think of. hee hee I was a bit nervous b/c Ash was coming home with us and I was worried about the dogs and just her being at our house w/ a broken ankle, but the dogs were fine. I think they sense it.
Yesterday we had a good day, too. We slept in a bit and lounged around on the couch a bit. In the afternoon, I washed Ash's hair for her and her back. We headed out to the fireworks around 4:30. After sitting for a while it started thundering and stuff, so we headed towards Piz*za Hut for dinner. While we were eating, it cut lose and there was a torrential down pour. It came down so fast that there was standing water every where. It was over the curb even. Eric drove up the sidewalk where wheel chairs can access in order for Ashlee to not get in the lake that had formed. It was quite humorous. We waited a while and it wasn't letting up, so we headed home. We checked and there was another line coming in, but not til later and it let up, so we headed back out. We set up shop behind the "Ho" and listened to the radio and munched on snacks. The fireworks ended up starting 25 minutes early, while we were on the way back from the bathroom, but they were still good. It was obvious that they were hurried as the show only lasted 15-20 minutes max. It was good though and we were back home by 9:40 or something. Several people in our neighborhood were letting stuff off and it didn't really bother me too bad, but apparently it started raining around 11:00. I think they got a nice show in though. I would have though they would have put their show on on Sunday since most people didn't have to work Monday, but nope they waited til the actual 4th. I was beat last night and finally fell asleep between 10:15-10:30. I slept like a log though. I think I needed it though.
Friday, July 01, 2005
It's Official
CD 1, CC 2
Can you believe this is the 25th cycle we have been trying to get pregnant??? That's 1 cycle short of my age.
Can you believe this is the 25th cycle we have been trying to get pregnant??? That's 1 cycle short of my age.
Doc
So I called Dr. S's office this morning and told them I would be starting my period today, so they should call in another round of Clomid. Woohoo! The nurse sound disappointed so at least they showed me some emotion. I also mentioned the lack of CM and asked her to talk to Dr. S about it b/c I had read that it could cause a hostile environment. (I was hostile on the outside) She said she would call me back if he wanted to do anything about that. I hope they will call me back and make me feel better. Otherwise I guess we'll just continue with PS again. I think I'll get OPKs, too. Why the hell not?! I'm not listening to the F-ing FF anymore on when they think I should expect AF. I'm going by what I know. My cycle is normally 28-30 days w/ the majority being 29 days. My luteal phase is around 14 days, too. I got way ahead of myself testing this month. I'm not letting myself test before 30 days or before 14 DPO this month.
I'm so bummed. I thought for sure this would be the month. I thought maybe that I just needed a little kick in my eggs and we'd get it right. We had great timing, even though we didn't do it much else during the rest of the month. I got a Y. Infect. towards the end and I never get those, so I thought maybe it was pregnancy related, too. My gums have been seriously sore and red, but now I realize that Clomid can cause that, too. It is just b/c of the progesterone and does not necessarily point towards pregnancy.
I'm scared to death.
I'm scared that this will be the last cycle before Dr. S refers me on and our insurance doesn't cover anything through an RE.
I'm scared I will never get to experience pregnancy. Moreoever, I'm scared that Eric & I will never have a biological child together.
I'm scared that I about ready to lose it. I've been so strong through this and I think I've been so mean and irritable lately b/c I'm ready to lose it.
I'm scared that I've let Eric down. Even though deep down I know he understands. Well, no one understands, but you know what I mean.
I'm scared b/c I have no idea why I can't fucking get pregnant! I think this scares me the most. The "Unknown"... The "Unexplained"...
I'm so bummed. I thought for sure this would be the month. I thought maybe that I just needed a little kick in my eggs and we'd get it right. We had great timing, even though we didn't do it much else during the rest of the month. I got a Y. Infect. towards the end and I never get those, so I thought maybe it was pregnancy related, too. My gums have been seriously sore and red, but now I realize that Clomid can cause that, too. It is just b/c of the progesterone and does not necessarily point towards pregnancy.
I'm scared to death.
I'm scared that this will be the last cycle before Dr. S refers me on and our insurance doesn't cover anything through an RE.
I'm scared I will never get to experience pregnancy. Moreoever, I'm scared that Eric & I will never have a biological child together.
I'm scared that I about ready to lose it. I've been so strong through this and I think I've been so mean and irritable lately b/c I'm ready to lose it.
I'm scared that I've let Eric down. Even though deep down I know he understands. Well, no one understands, but you know what I mean.
I'm scared b/c I have no idea why I can't fucking get pregnant! I think this scares me the most. The "Unknown"... The "Unexplained"...
Soon to be Day 1, CC 2
Lovely. What a way to start July. So I'll have a 29 day cycle this month, which is pretty normal. Why the hell FF said I'd start between Tues and Thurs I have no idea. I think it should have been Thurs thru Sat now that I look back.
What the hell happened to impeccable timing and excellent ovulation? Bullshit!
What the hell happened to impeccable timing and excellent ovulation? Bullshit!
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