He's Gone

My brother was killed in a car accident a week ago. He hit a semi Monday, July 18 around 9:30 pm. We got a call around 10:30 that he was being life-lined. The helicopter landed right at the crash scene. We knew it wasn't good, but when we called for an update my brother had just arrived at the hospital and they were trying to stabilize him. It was about a 45 min. drive to the hospital and it was the longest drive OF MY LIFE. We got there about 11:30, which was about 10 minutes after my mom and grandparents had arrived. The doctor had just come in to say that my brother was brain dead. He would never regain consciousness and would be on life support. He had severe, severe head trauma to the back of his head and even if we left him on life support he wouldn't stay "alive" very long. We called all of the family and several came to the hospital to say their goodbyes. It was so hard seeing him that way. It was so surreal. He was still breathing. It felt like he was still there. But we knew he just really wasn't. He didn't suffer. He lost consciousness upon impact and never woke up.

We did get to bury him in his uniform. It was an open casket, but it looked nothing like him. He was so swollen. My god it's just doesn't feel real. He got a proper burial even though the fucking army refused to pay for anything or come w/ the casket crew (long story, will talk about later). My mom got a flag in Matt's honor as did his fucking worthless estranged wife (another long future story). I think I'm still in shock. I spent the weekend trying to be strong for my mom and sisters and holding them up. I feel so numb and in another world. I can't believe my brother is GONE. I'll never see him again. I'll never talk to him again. I thank god that he was home when he died and we didn't lose him in the war. He was scheduled to deploy in November. We had our entire family home for the 4th of July and even got some great pics w/ the entire family and our immediate family. He enjoyed his last few weeks of his life, too. Even though he was miserable and depressed on the inside, he didn't show it much on the outside. He seemed fairly happy and content with life. We got to see him this past Sunday at my sisters birthday party. We got to see him the day before he had his accident and died. Maybe that is why this is even harder. Maybe it's b/c he was only 22 years old. There are so many "what ifs" and "whys" and "should/could haves" and every other emotion going through each of us.

I will miss him so much!