So I called Dr. S's office this morning and told them I would be starting my period today, so they should call in another round of Clomid. Woohoo! The nurse sound disappointed so at least they showed me some emotion. I also mentioned the lack of CM and asked her to talk to Dr. S about it b/c I had read that it could cause a hostile environment. (I was hostile on the outside) She said she would call me back if he wanted to do anything about that. I hope they will call me back and make me feel better. Otherwise I guess we'll just continue with PS again. I think I'll get OPKs, too. Why the hell not?! I'm not listening to the F-ing FF anymore on when they think I should expect AF. I'm going by what I know. My cycle is normally 28-30 days w/ the majority being 29 days. My luteal phase is around 14 days, too. I got way ahead of myself testing this month. I'm not letting myself test before 30 days or before 14 DPO this month.
I'm so bummed. I thought for sure this would be the month. I thought maybe that I just needed a little kick in my eggs and we'd get it right. We had great timing, even though we didn't do it much else during the rest of the month. I got a Y. Infect. towards the end and I never get those, so I thought maybe it was pregnancy related, too. My gums have been seriously sore and red, but now I realize that Clomid can cause that, too. It is just b/c of the progesterone and does not necessarily point towards pregnancy.
I'm scared to death.
I'm scared that this will be the last cycle before Dr. S refers me on and our insurance doesn't cover anything through an RE.
I'm scared I will never get to experience pregnancy. Moreoever, I'm scared that Eric & I will never have a biological child together.
I'm scared that I about ready to lose it. I've been so strong through this and I think I've been so mean and irritable lately b/c I'm ready to lose it.
I'm scared that I've let Eric down. Even though deep down I know he understands. Well, no one understands, but you know what I mean.
I'm scared b/c I have no idea why I can't fucking get pregnant! I think this scares me the most. The "Unknown"... The "Unexplained"...
About Me
- Mrs. T
- I met Mr. T after 9/11 at a charity event. We married in April 2003, have 3 dogs and now the only thing missing is a baby... We've been trying to get pregnant since August 2003. I was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". We are currently saving up enough money to get an FET done in 2009.
TTC 5+ Years - Infertility Stats
My FF Chart
*Laparoscopy - 09/00 - Stage I Endo
*Progesterone - 3/19/04 - 4.9 Low
*Male Factor - 3/18/04 - 151M Good; 50% Motility; Shape Good
*HSG - 3/29/04 - Both Tubes Clear
*Progesterone - 3/1/05 - 11.7 Normal
*Laparoscopy 5/9/05 - Stage I Endo
Click for GRAPHIC Pics
*Clomid Cycle #1 - 6/2/05 - Failed
*Progesterone - 6/23/05 - 28.5 "Excellent Ovulation"
*Clomid Cycle #2 - 7/1/05 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #3 - 8/1/05 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #4 - 8/30/05 - Failed
*U/S 9/12/05 - 2 Follies (24 & 26)
*hCG Shot 9/12/05
*Clomid Cycle #5 - 10/1/05 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #6 - 11/1/05 - Failed
*TSH (Thyroid) - 0.901 - Normal
*T4 (Thyroid) - 1.21 - Normal
*CBC Results - All Normal
*1st RE Appt - 11/30/05
*IVF/C #1 - 3/26/06 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #7 - 3/16/07 - Failed
*Progesterone - 4/6/07 - 35.4
*FET - 3/09 - Failed
My FF Chart
*Laparoscopy - 09/00 - Stage I Endo
*Progesterone - 3/19/04 - 4.9 Low
*Male Factor - 3/18/04 - 151M Good; 50% Motility; Shape Good
*HSG - 3/29/04 - Both Tubes Clear
*Progesterone - 3/1/05 - 11.7 Normal
*Laparoscopy 5/9/05 - Stage I Endo
Click for GRAPHIC Pics
*Clomid Cycle #1 - 6/2/05 - Failed
*Progesterone - 6/23/05 - 28.5 "Excellent Ovulation"
*Clomid Cycle #2 - 7/1/05 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #3 - 8/1/05 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #4 - 8/30/05 - Failed
*U/S 9/12/05 - 2 Follies (24 & 26)
*hCG Shot 9/12/05
*Clomid Cycle #5 - 10/1/05 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #6 - 11/1/05 - Failed
*TSH (Thyroid) - 0.901 - Normal
*T4 (Thyroid) - 1.21 - Normal
*CBC Results - All Normal
*1st RE Appt - 11/30/05
*IVF/C #1 - 3/26/06 - Failed
*Clomid Cycle #7 - 3/16/07 - Failed
*Progesterone - 4/6/07 - 35.4
*FET - 3/09 - Failed
4 comments:
Your feelings are very justified. Telling yourself you've let hubby down and that you'll never have a baby is easy to do, but you have to remember that it's not your fault!
That being said, get the emotion out, it will be better for you in the long run. So many people get depressed when faced with difficulty trying to have a baby and it's so easy to fall into that. Writing and talking about it will help you deal with the situation better.
Take care of yourself. Know that we are all here for you and that what you are going through emotionally is normal. Many (((hugs)))!
It's ok to be scared. You have lots of people backing you up and any of us would do anything we can for you. I wish there was something I could do to take all the hurt away, but for now, just know I'm here for you and I care!
I'd be scared too and even though I've never met you, my heart absolutely breaks for you. I was really under the impression that it would happen for you this month. It probably doesn't mean much coming from a perfect stranger - but, I care too. More importantly, I will be praying for you this month.
You're not alone. I know there is nothing anyone can say that makes it hurt less so I won't try. Just know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. I know it feels that way sometimes. Dh and I did 3 years of fertility treatments and it is such an emotional roller coaster. Hang on and scream when you need to.
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