Thinking....

I am not busy at work today so I've been doing a lot of reading of blogs and such and they've got me thinking. I guess it sorta hit me today that this is our 16th cycle (or 14th month) of trying to get pregnant. Wow! That has been my entire focus since last August. It's so surreal. I would never in my wildest dreams think I would be here. Not that anyone would really

- First, I have to admit that I really wanted to be pregnant when I went to my friend J's shower next week. Maybe not showing or anything, but just know that I was. Not that anyone who knows me already didn't know that, but I had to say it. Yes, technically I could be pregnant, but it will be too early to tell, so essentially I won't know. This makes me sad. I am so very happy that my friend J got pregnant again after her unfortunate miscarriage last fall, yet I am sad that I am not pregnant, too. I feel selfish saying that, but it is the truth and I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Fortunately I know my friend J understands this and I hope that I'm not offending her by saying this. I will not be unsocial or distant or anything else at her shower.

-Part of me feels really guilty b/c we don't do the baby dance EVERY day during my peak time, but I don't want our relationship to revolve around it. Not that it hasn't been on the top of our priority list. I think about it constantly, who wouldn't? I imagine Eric does, too. The last few months seem to have been a little less stressful, sorta like we've been on a break or something, but I still think about it many times throughout every day. Sometimes I look back and think, "If only we'd done it on this day" or "if only I hadn't done this or that". Well reality is that it is out of my control. It's just hard for me to let go of that control.

- Sometimes I wonder if someone is trying to tell me that it's "not the right time" or that I'm (we're) not ready for a child, but then when is anyone ready? Why couldn't we be one of those people who got pg on accident and then learn to live with the result? Everyone else in my family took that path (-D). Maybe I was just so deadset on NOT getting pregnant and NOT following in my family's footsteps that now it has a spell on me.

- Deep down I don't really know what to think. I know that has been bothering me lately and is probably the root cause of my bitchiness and meanness and that makes me even sadder. I don't want to be that person, but sometimes I can't control it. I know this puts some strain on my relationship w/ Eric. I have no motivation to do much of anything. I just want to sit on the couch and watch TV, fall asleep only for him to wake me up and go to bed. Exciting life, I know! B/C of our shitty insurance we can't do those "other" treatments b/c we just can't afford that lump sum and really I sorta refuse to believe that I need that next step.

- Reading blogs makes me feel better sometimes b/c I know I'm not the only one out there who can't get pregnant. But I guess I could find that one blog that I can really relate to. Someone just like me that has taken some of those "after a year" test and there is NOTHING wrong, but just can't get pregnant. So, if you find a blog like that out there, please send me the link. The blogs I've been reading have already taken the next step of IUIs or IVFs and frankly I just don't think I'm there yet. I still have hope, small as it is, it's there.