Sorry

I've been a little distant and haven't really know what to write about. I've wanted to post for a few days (besides the informational post), but just felt like nothing will come out. I've been doing more research on-line and found theories that endo produces this toxic hormone that attacks the egg that is trying to implant. I also remember my doc saying something about that.

The truth is, reality has really set in. I guess I assumed I wouldn't have to take this next step. That it would work this month and that was it. I was wrong. It hurts! I hide my feelings well, in fact, I'm damn good at it. I go in today for pre-op bloodwork and whatever other tests they are running. Woohoo!

I talked to my stepmom last night on the phone and told her that I didn't care if she told anybody in the family what was going on, but I didn't want to talk about it on Sunday. (Hopefully she'll take the hint to pass that tidbit on) She asked why and I told her I didn't want to. That we've been trying for almost 2 years and I was tired of hearing people's advice and/or comments like "Relax", "this is what we did", "Have you done this or that?", "Have you thought about adoption", blah, blah, blah. We've tried or done it all and it's not working. Period! I tried to laugh a little to lighten the mood b/c I know I caught her off guard, but I think she really is worried about me. She got real quite for a minute then said, "Are you ok?" I said yes, I'm fine. Seriously, how am I supposed to be? For christ's sake, we've been trying for almost 2 years w/ ABSOLUTE NO LUCK. I guess some people take those things for granted or don't take things to heart. How can people be so inconsiderate. Maybe I was too before we got to this stage, I don't know. All I do know is that I'm starting to let people know about it.

Case in point... I've been fighting w/ my mom almost every day for the last week. I finally told her that she needed to think before she talked to me b/c I was emotional and sensitive right now. I didn't need her and my siblings shit on top of what I'm having to go through right now. She asked why I was so emotional and sensitive? Let me fucking think about this... Hmmm..... I won't even go there on her b/c if you read my blog, you know. I did elaborate to her. You know what her response was... "It's probably best for your baby to be brought in this world knowing it's mother was in excellent health." I'm dead serious! This coming from the "mom" who smoked the entire time w/ me causing me to have smaller than normal lungs thus leading to problems w/ allergies, prone to pheumonia and other lung problems... God knows what she did while she was pregnant w/ my other siblings. Grrrrr!!!! That was Tuesday and she pissed me off again yesterday. So today I just didn't talk to her when she got on-line. On another note, how can she expect us to buy her something for mother's day when she's not so deserving at the moment? Jeez. It was hard enough just buying her a card. I did find a good one along the lines of "not an ordinary mother daughter relationship", blah, blah, blah. she definitely wasn't getting something along the lines of "You've done so much for us in your life" or "You are such a role model". Let's be realistic... :)

So anyway, back to me. I'm ok. I have my wonderful husband who I'm sure is just as freaked out as I am, but he doesn't show his feelings very well either. What a combo we are, huh? He is so supportive though and I couldn't ask for anyone better. I know next week will be just as rough for him, too. I'm insisting the doc come out and tell Eric everything they find and/or don't find and what they do w/ what they find, etc. He's supposed to take good notes, I know he will. Then he's going to post for me Monday night to let my dear friends and readers know how I come out. (I have to teach him how to post this weekend!)

Yea, I'm a nervous wreck. What else can I say?