CD 32, 17 DPO *updated*

Temp - 98.1
HPT - Negative
AF - Nowhere in Sight

Calling the doc later this morning.

Talked to an actual nurse in my doc's office. She said hcG shot should not lengthen my cycle. Call on Monday if my period still hasn't started and they will do a blood test to confirm I'm not pregnant and then give me something to make me start. This is almost worst than the actual 2WW...

Stupid Nurse - Take 2

That stupid nurse called me back and basically told me the same damn thing about clomid lengthening my cycle. She talked to another nurse (a real nurse is what I expect) and she said the reason they gave me the "Day 35" spiel is b/c IF at Day 35 I still haven't started and I get a negative test meaning I'm definitely not pregnant, they could give me a drug to make me start, but she doesn't know if my doc will or not if we get to that point... Does that make much sense to you? I thought I knew a lot about this, now I'm mad and confused.

Why can't I find out any information on hcG delaying AF? Actually the couple articles I did find say it doesn't, but I'm sure everyone is different.

Gggggrrrrrr!!!!!!

Update - CD 31, 16 DPO

Did you hear that? 16 DPO? So let's recap my past shall we?

Past
Longest LP ever charting - 14 Days (Mostly w/ Clomid but a few other cycles, too)
Longest Cycle ever - 31 Days (one was July, but I also O'd later)

Current
HPT - 14 DPO - Negative
Temp - Still up

So you see my first instinct it to blame it on the hcG shot, but I can't seem to find anything on the intenet to back that up. So I thought for sure by calling my docs office they would give me some good information. Boy was I wrong. My doc

Me: Hi, I'd like to talk to a nurse in Dr. S's office

Clinic: Sure, please hold

Stupid Nurse: Dr. S is out of the office today this is the Medical Information desk, how can I help you?

Me: Hi, this is Mrs. T and I took clomid this cycle and then got the hcG shot and I was wondering if it makes your cycles longer

Nurse Stupid: No, but the clomid will.

Me: But this is my 4th round of clomid and I've had consistant 14 Day LP. Now I'm at 16 days. I took a HPT at 14DPO and don't want to waste money on them only to find out that the shot will make your cycle longer

Stupid Nurse: I can't believe you doctor didn't tell you that Clomid will make your cycle longer.

Me: Well, he didn't and like I said I think if anything it's the shot

Stupid Nurse: Well, we always tell people clomid will lengthen their cycle so you need to wait until about Day 35 of your cycle, that's starting from the first day of your period to day 35, and then test and call us back.

Me: I've never had this long of LP. Are you sure about the shot?

Stupid Nurse: Yes, clomid can lenghten your cycle. Take a test at Day 35 and call us back.

Me: Fine, click!

Is it me or is that stupid bitch hung up on the clomid and didn't hear a word I asked about the shot???? She obviously has no idea! Grrr... She really made me mad and I intend on telling Dr. S that their "information desk" was worthless!

So, now I scour the internet today looking for something to blame this long cycle/LP on, refusing to believe I'm pregnant b/c well, I took one on Tuesday and it said no, so I'm sure it hasn't changed.

I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. :D Keep your fingers crossed!

On a cool, rainy night...

I decided to dye my hair! ha ha My sister came over and dyed it for me and we had an absolute blast. Besides spraying us w/ my hand held shower head and getting 3 quite blonde highlights on the left side she did a great job! It was a much needed evening.





It's officially "Praline Light Iradescent Brown". Real life it is light brown w/ some red tint, I guess

What do you think?

Bad day again.

I had a really bad day yesterday, but I think I'm better today (after MUCH venting). I got up yesterday morning and my temp went down, so what do I do? Go ahead and test. Why not start the day off right, eh? So, you guess it, it was NEGATIVE. No surprise there since my temp went down. I had my hope up really high this month. I've been feeling better stress-wise since going to therapy, got the hcG shot, got a massage on Friday, and my gramps blessed me. I thought for sure this time would be it. Don't even say, "Well, you haven't started yet" or any of that stupid shit, b/c I know I'm just waiting on AF to actually arrive. My bbs are losing their soreness and I'm a crabass. NO DOUBT about that. I felt very hopeless yesterday and mentioned to Eric that I didn't know how much more of this I could take. He basically said finish the next 2 cycles of clomid and then take a break. TAKE A BREAK? That basically set me off and we argued before I got to work, which always makes me quite enjoyable at work to say the least. I had some lame ass meeting in the morning and I spent the rest of the day in a daze it seemed.

After I got off work Eric & I went on a 5 mile bike ride and I felt better. I was not in the cooking mood so we hit BW3s for dinner came home and I tried reading, but ended up falling asleep w/ Godiva cuddling my head and Kodi cuddling my feet.

Tonight I'm going to go home and make dinner. Then my sister is going to come over and color my hair in preparation for my big cut next week w/ Pete the Hair God!

I don't want to offend anyone by what I'm about to say, so please understand where I am coming from. I've read on many IF blogs about ladies who just can't read blogs after they turn into pregnancy/baby blogs. I never really had a problem until the last month or two. It has been extremely difficult for some reason. I don't know if this IF shit is all starting to really settle in and take a toll on me or what. I believe that is what is happening though. So, please if I happen to remove you from my sidebar, please don't take offense. I will periodically lurk and make sure things are still ok, but just know that it is extremely difficult to read every day. Also, know that I truly am VERY happy for you!

Weekend in Review

My weekend was ok after the horrible news Friday day. Friday right after work I headed to Christina's to get my 30 min. swedish massage. It was definitely a stress relieving one and I could have laid there for a couple more hours. I think next time I'll get the one where they are harder on you and is more deep. As soon as I got home we left to go to dinner w/ my grandparents and then they came back to our house and gramps blessed me. It was really nice of him and it made me feel good afterwards. However, I didn't sleep well that night though b/c the massage oil wasn't a great smell and I kept getting whiffs of it whenever I moved, yuck. Eric said he couldn't really smell it, but it was annoying me. I almost took a shower in the middle of the night.

Saturday we were lazy in the morning. I gave myself a pedicure minus painting. But dang if my feet don't feel great! I worked on them to smooth out the rough edges and lotioned them up. Then we headed to C'ville and met my parents and Kisha & Levi and the baby. We had a nice lunch. Caidence slept until the minute the food came, which was funny. She is going to be one of those babies that cries around everyone except Kisha and my stepmom, I swear. She cried when I held her, too. Kisha said she often cries when Levi holds her, too. After lunch we went to Kroger to get some flowers and visited my brother. While we were there I decided we should go get him a new solar light b/c the one that was there was a cheap plastic one that lasted only a few weeks. We headed to Home Depot and found a nice metal one and it was on sale, so bonus. We headed back out to the grave and put it up. Then we headed to Dari-licious for some yummy dessert. Then to Kisha's to pick up some pics she forgot to bring with her. We had a lazy Saturday evening. I fell asleep on the couch with the doggies at some point after talking to Jennifer.

Yesterday we planned on cleaning out the gutters and going for a bike ride. When I rolled out of bed, Eric informed me that we'd be getting rain all day and into the week. I knew our gutters needed cleaned out bad. In fact they even woke me up Saturday night when it rained. We scrambled outside and started working on them in the slight misty rain. It started raining a little more, but Eric kept working. I ended up standing on the ground watching w/ my umbrella. :D We spent the rest of the day watching football and napping and had pizza for a late afternoon lunch. Yummy!

Today we get to head to our new dentist. I'm excited b/c I know I'm overdue for a cleaning and I always love how it feels after they get cleaned, but I'm nervous, too b/c it's a new one.

On the TTC side of things...
I started taking my temp again this morning (98.5). Today is 13 DPO. I sure hope it stays up. I'm holding out lots of hope this time.

So tell me, oh wonderful internet readers, if you got the hcG shot, how did it affect your cycle? Did it make it longer or shorter or maybe you don't know b/c you are pregnant. I want to know! This is what I'm most curious about at the moment, besides the obvious, of course!

A Tag

Dooneybug tagged me so here goes...

THE RULES:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

"Then I will totally be freaked about these "symptoms"...."

Ironically enough I was talking about testing too early b/c of supposed symptoms. ha ha ha Not doing any of that around here this month.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you haven't done this and feel inclined to do so, consider yourself tagged!

Bad, Bad Day...

Please go over and give Jennifer a big *HUG* and keep her in your thoughts.

I'm feeling really down and distant right now. I don't understand why people around me keep having bad things happen to them. It is really pissing me off to be honest. 2005 was supposed to be a great year and so far it royally sucks ass. I can't wait for 2006 to get here. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????????

It's hard to explain how I feel right now. I will say that God isn't very high on my list at the moment though. I've struggled with it for years anyway and my "faith" or understanding (might be a better word) is declining.

Bad things should not happen to good people. I love everyone around me. I have a close circle of friends (real life) that are literally out of this world. I'm selfish in that I don't want bad things to happen to them, anyone would be though. I know Jennifer will be strong through whatever journey this takes her through, but she shouldn't have to go through it. She doesn't deserve it at all.

You are in my thoughts Jennifer! I know everything will be ok in the long run.

4 Years Ago Today...

I met my husband. It seems like forever ago really when you think about it. I thought I'd share a little bit about our meeting and first date.

A friend of mine, Deb, asked me at work on Friday if I'd be interested in going to a 9/11 benefit this bar on Saturday 9/22. I had a wedding to go to on Saturday, but it was in the early afternoon, so I told her I'd call after the wedding and let her know.

Saturday arrived and I went to the wedding. It was my cousin, who also happened to graduate with me so I saw several of those dreaded HS classmates. I went to the reception for a little bit, but thanked god when we finally left. I was feeling "less than adequate" about myself when I left. I called Deb on my way home and told her I wasn't feeling up to it, but thankfully she convinced me otherwise. She has a way of doing this. So I went home, freshened up and went to her house. We proceeded to become under the influence (which is one of the few and definitely the last time I was under that influence, btw) and met up with another lady. At the bar we paid our admission/cover and had a few drinks and danced. It was pretty lame, but again, it didn't matter too much b/c I was in my own little world. hee hee Anyway, I was oblivious to the fact that this guy, now know as Eric, was eyeing me. Reason being I thought he was the bar owner and I had heard too many nasty stories about him. Ugh! I don't think you know what his occupation is, but let's just say he was running this little 9/11 benefit and was DJing and throwing out T-shirts and stuff. So he worked his little magic buy giving us some T-shirts to get my attention when the other 2 ladies went for drink refills while I watched our seats. We ended up chatting and the next time he went up to the stage to do something he called me up to draw this number out of a hat for a raffle they were doing. After that he followed me around like a lost puppy (I'm sure he'll deny that). Later in the evening something was brought up about drinking. I was floored when I found out he was not much of a drinker and was drinking WATER of all things to drink at the bar. I knew then that he was different. At the end of the night he took my number and said he'd call me and we parted ways.

MANY days passed. I had given up after about Wednesday. I believe he called me Friday and said he had tickets to an F-1 race and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I love racing and was thrilled at the chance b/c I'd never been to the F-1 race, but I group up around drag racing my whole life. Plus, that was a very impressive first date, let me tell ya!

He picked me up Sunday morning, we stopped at Subway to grab subs and headed to the track. After we found our seats we ate lunch and watched the race and chatted. On our way home he wanted to stop and get dinner. I believe we stopped at this mexican place and it was yummy. After that he decided we should play a round of putt-putt golf. About 1/2 way through the holes, I decided it would be ok to go on at least one more date with this guy. Oh yea and I was losing. So we made this little wager that however many strokes he beat me by, that was the number of more dates he had to take me on. :D On our way home we stopped at his apartment and I met his dogs (Krissy & Kodi) and then he took me home.

The rest is obvious!

Therapy #4

I left this session feeling better. We talked about my week and how it hasn't been as stressful although I though my hormones are out of whack. She's not so good with pitying me b/c she's been through many years of IF herself. She's basically done everything and finally come to the conclusion that they were not meant to have kids and went on with their lives. It's interesting about her, but kind of made me a bit uneasy, too.

The major focus of today's session was stress. I got to do this cute little survey and guess there I fall? High, but not the highest level, so I guess that's good. Right? We went through the entire list of "symptoms" I have of stress, which was fairly long.

Then we did this other thing to see how well I take care of myself in certain ways. My major problem area is cognitive. She also suggested I get a massage once a month or whenever something big is on the horizon. An example is next week I should find out whether this cycle worked or if we'll be moving on to #5. (Eric thought this was BS, but I somehow convinced him and go Friday after work for a 30 min. massage) Anyway, this seemed like a good idea to me after I thought about it, too. She also wants be to start documenting my headaches, but I've had them to infrequently that I didn't think that was necessary.

One thing that irked me was she doesn't seem to like the idea of my blog. She said its not the same as journaling and I don't "let it all out" on here. Do you, my readers, think I hold back? Be honest! I agree occassionally I hold back, but those things I wouldn't "write in my journal" either. I told her I have tried "writing in a journal" on several occassions and would not follow though. I do a few entries and then it's gone. With my blog I post regularly and don't hide my feelings.

Blog Color

Your Blog Should Be Blue

Your blog is a peaceful, calming force in the blogosphere. You tend to avoid conflict - you're more likely to share than rant. From your social causes to cute pet photos, your life is a (mostly) open book.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Wow! It's dead on!

Thanks to Tertia!

CD 22, 7 DPO **edited**

I realized yesterday that this blog is supposed to be about our journey to conceive for the most part and really I haven't been talking much about it, so I'm going to try to get back in that routine.

As you can see from the title I'm 7 DPO, which means I have 8 days left before I can watch for AF. B/C I got the hCG shot, I can't even test until after 14 DPO b/c it could give me a false positive, so there's no chance of me testing early this time. I polled 2 of my friends yesterday and they think I should test now to see if I really get a false positive or not, but Eric doesn't think I should. He doesn't want to jinx anything. So, I guess I won't be trying out that science project out as much as I want to.

I pretty certain the hCG shot made me extremely hormonal. I feel like my nerves are absolutely shot. I don't think Eric understands this really even though I've tried explaining many times. That only makes me even more frustrated. I don't know if he just thinks I'm being pissy b/c I want to or what?! :D B/C you know I really like being a bitch, right? Don't answer that!

**Edited to say that I did come home to an assortment of roses on the dining room table last night, so he really is wonderful and I know it is 90% all me!**

Keep your fingers cross for the next 8-10 days for me!

Weekend Recap

Had a pretty nice weekend overall, I guess. Friday morning I took Eric to meet some of his co-workers for a trip they'd won to a baseball game in Chicago. I, of course, left work early to head to therapy (You can see my post below to see how that went). After therapy I went to a tattoo place that was recommended to me by a co-worker. See, we've been working with a guy in C'ville to get a tattoo like my brothers, but this week he's given us a run around and it was really pissing me off. Anyway, I talked to this other guy and he could do it, but it'd have to be much bigger and it was going to cost quite a bit more. I told him I'd get back to him, but knew that I was just going to have to sit it out and wait on the guy from C'ville. So on my way back home I called my mom and told her to call them again, so she did. She left them a rather terse message and told them to call her back ASAP. Wouldn't you know it?! They called back w/in the hour. He's got the sketch drawn up. Unfortunately he's really busy and we can't get in until Oct 6, which is later than I wanted, but he's giving us a good deal and at least I'm getting it done soon.

After I got home my grandma called and said they were coming up and wanted to take me to dinner. So, of course, I went. We had a great time just chatting away and eating our meal. After they brought me back home I watched some TV and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

Saturday morning I got up, showered, and cleaned house. I picked Eric back up around 11:30 and we went to Pablo's for lunch and then ran a few errands. We were both exhausted, so we came back home and spent the rest of the day being lazy.

Sunday we planned on taking a nice bike ride. We loaded up our bikes and headed to this Fort on the other side of town. There was supposed to be a trail that started there and went through the woods and along the river; about 13 miles long. Well, we found out that it doesn't go all the way to the Fort yet, but we could take the road and meet up with it. We did that, but I hate riding on the road, so we turned around and headed back. My knee was bothering me and Eric thought I needed toe clips b/c my feet weren't staying on the pedals, so we picked those up and grabbed lunch. After lunch it was a little warm out, so we picked up a couple of things from Dick's and hit the grocery store. After we got home and unloaded everything we went on a 5 mile bike ride. It was really nice, relaxing end to the weekend.

Therapy #3

Today's session was sorta dull. I finished my hate letter last night late, but it felt good afterwards. I wanted to mail it right away, but she had told me not to so I just put it away to save for the session. At first we just talked about my week, which had been pretty crazy. We talked about some family issues that came up and how I handled them and especially about the doctor's appointment. I told her even though I was happy they gave me the hCG shot, it made me very anxious b/c I was not aware of it ahead of time.

Next came the letter. I read the letter to her and she said it wasn't as hateful as she expected or had heard before. I explained to her that I wasn't angry anymore b/c that was my major focus 3 yrs. ago in therapy. She still thinks I need to forgive him, but I said he doesn't deserve it. She thinks that is the only way I will feel free of him, but I disagree. I have forgiven myself and have lightened my anger and have went on with my life just fine. So I'm supposed to think about this forgiveness thing. She thinks I may just not be ready for it.

Finally for some reason she started talking about my anger and how it relates in a bell curve 0-10-0. 5-10 on each side being the danger zones. She was trying to figure out how I handle situations that make me angry and making sure I wasn't stayin around the 4-5 area on the verge of the danger zone. Honestly, I don't really understand where this came from and/or why we talked about it. I guess I'm supposed to make sure when things make me mad I'm supposed to get myself back down to zero so things don't set me off as fast.

I hope next session is better. I was a little disappointed in this one.

Another Picture

This one is of me and my new bicycle.


"I like to ride my bicycle..."

Bathroom

Thought I'd share some pics of the color of our newly painted bathroom, but it is difficult to see, so sorry!

Here it is...


Here is a little closer...


Can you see how well it matches our shower curtain?

Praying (for us) Mantis

This guy was visiting us yesterday. Ironic, no? I'd like to think he is praying for us. Isn't that what these guys do best? He was on our picture window...



As you can see he's not the only visitor we get on our front picture window. Mr. Tree Frog visited last week on more than one evening. Obviously he didn't mind getting his picture taken or maybe he has an ego and knew I was going to post them on the web. ha ha ha

Oops!

I forgot to mention one thing that really got to me yesterday while I was waiting to get the ultrasound for a whopping 50 minutes. Anyway, I'm nosey, so I listen to thing that are going on with other people. Yes, I know all about the HIPA laws, etc. This lady came in probably upper 20s, early 30s. Young, mind you. She had 3 kids definitely hers b/c they were all spitting images of her. I little boy who was the oldest maybe 7, a little girl who was probably 3-4 and a baby I think she said around 9 months. Anyway, she was in getting blood taken for whatever reason, but what stuck me as interesting was when she began telling the nurse that the newest baby was a result of taking some medication for about 7 days that she didn't realize would affect her birth control... Makes me wonder how she conceived her first 2.

What can ya say?

I want you to have intercourse...

I left work early today to head to the doc's office to get my ultrasound. At this practice they have a lady who does all of the ultrasounds, so Dr. S doesn't actually do any of them. We were early and waited about 50 minutes before they finally called my name. We went in and she said I was getting a follicle scan, which is what I had assumed. I let her know that Dr. S's office had only said to come in on CD 14 to get an U/S and I assumed that was what I was getting based on the internet. :D She laughed. She got the dildo cam all lubed and started scanning. Basically in a nutshell, she said I had 4 follicles, 2 on each side. The measured as follows: 31, 26, 24, 10. I asked her what the average was and she said they like to see them between 18-20, so I thought I was looking pretty good. Then she said I'll be heading up to the doctor's office now so he can chat with me. I didn't realize I'd be meeting Dr. S today, so I was a little stunned. We didn't have to wait up there too long before they called us back to a room. The nurse was real chipper and said it looked like I had some follicles that were about ready to burst and I'd be getting a shot today. Say what??? I was floored, scared, excited, everything. It was one thing to see Dr. S, but now I'm getting a shot? Of what? Why? I have NO RESEARCH on this! I'm NOT prepared! What questions should I ask? Holy shit! Of course the nurse left and I was nearly shaking. I couldn't believe this. I had no idea. Eric was pissed b/c they hadn't even mentioned this when we set up the U/S, but I said it was partially my fault for not asking what all would happen this cycle, too. We both tried flipping through magazines to calm our nerves, but it didn't help. Finally Dr. S came in. He said it looks like the clomid is doing what it's supposed to and they wanted to give me a shot of hCG to go ahead and make me ovulate, so we can monitor it better. And he wants us to have intercourse tonight and tomorrow night as the hCG will make me ovulate between the next 12-24 hours. No problem here since it was already going to happen anyway. I asked how much the hcg was going to cost and he said not too much, so I didn't really get an answer out of him. I guess we'll find out when the bill comes. I said I guess from what the nurse said I have 3 good follicles and he said well, 2. He said the one that was 31 was most likely left over from a previous cycle and obviously the 10 wasn't big enough. So I have 2 good ones, 26 & 24, one on each ovary. I guess that's not too bad.

Finally I asked what if this doesn't work and he said he will let me go 6 rounds of clomid before they consider clomid a failure for me. He also said that if you are going to get pregnant you will get pregnant during the first 6 rounds. So at least I have more of a timeframe now and that put me at ease a little. If we get to round 6 and it doesn't work, then he will then refer me on to the RE and they will go from there. So, I guess I have til the end of the year to get a bun in my oven. Oh dear!

Weekend Update

I had a great weekend! Friday night we picked up Eric's bicycle and after doing some stuff at home went for a long bike ride. I was exhausted by the time we got home though. Eric left around 8:30 for a promotion at one of the bars. I watched TV and at some point dozed off to sleep. I woke up around 11 and headed to bed. Apparently Eric came home a short time after that.

Sunday we got up pretty early. Eric left around 6:30 am for breakfast club since it was a home football game (we won) and I tried to sleep, but Godiva was having none of that. I got up, took a shower, cleaned the house, started some laundry and ran the dishwasher all before Eric got home around 10:30. After Eric got home we ran to the bike shop to pick up a few things, grabbed lunch and headed home. My grandparents came over around 2:00 and papaw and Eric worked on our shower in the master bathroom. To make a long story short, the people that built our house did a half-arsed job and didn't bring the drywall all the way down to the top of the shower, so they had to fill the gap and fix all that stuff. We patched some other holes in the wall, too (nails, etc.) We then grabbed dinner and headed to Lowe*s to pick up a few other things and find some paint swatches. My grandparents left shortly after we got back home and Eric & I went on a short bike ride.

Sunday we got up and lounged around the house for a while. We had planned on having a relaxing day and going on another long bike ride. I had originally planned on painting the bathroom this coming weekend when Eric was gone, but we decided to just go ahead and do it yesterday. We cleared out the bathroom, taped it off, removed fixtures, and headed to Lowe's to get the paint. The color is hard to explain. It's called Oregon Dunes. It's sort of a tanish color w/ a hint of sage. I'll take pics this week and post them. All I can say was it was matched w/ my shower curtain. ha ha We finished late in the evening with the painting and by the time we cleaned stuff up, grabbed dinner and sat down it was time to go to bed.

This morning Eric caulked around the top of the shower and tonight we will be putting all the fixtures up and moving everything back in. I'm excited.

I've made a deal with Eric or rather he's made a deal with me that'll we'll work on painting the rooms of our house and doing some other work around the house (ie, carpet and kitchen tile or wood, water softener, cheap fence) and stay at this spot for 2 more years making our total 4 yrs in that house. I plan to get the kitchen/dining room done this fall witht he help of his mom. That will leave office, guest bathroom, utility room and eventually nursery.

Oh!! Check back tonight or early tomorrow for an update on my ultrasound that I'm getting later this afternoon. It's the mid-cycle ultrasound and I'm hoping they will tell me good news about my follicles and lining rather than bad. Wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts this afternoon!

Therapy #2

My therapy session this time was a little rougher. We talked about how my week was for the first half or so. I proudly told her I had gotten somewhat stronger w/ my mom. Basically when she tried to talk to me like I was her therapist, I've been listening and letting her know I'm listening, but instead of taking it on myself, I've been telling her that she needs to write X down and talk to her therapist about it. I've been telling her that I'm hurting too for the loss of my brother. It's different than her loss, but it's still a loss and it still hurts. She doesn't like her therapist very well, so I've been telling her she's wasting her time staying that she needs to either see someone else at that particular practice or go to someone else. I hope she listens. My therapist agreed w/ the therapy part and was surprised that I had said as much as I did to my mom. I don't think she realizes how strong I am once someone tells me what to say so to speak and lets me know that it's OK to say it.

I came up with three major goals that I'm not going to put here, but will say that by working on 2 of them the other should fall into place. We talked about my marriage and overall its great, but I have some problems with my emotions (or lack there of) and expressing them. She thinks it stems back from my childhood especially with the "attempted rape" I talked about back in May. I have them shield I put up so no one hurts me and even though I know Eric won't hurt me, I don't know how to put the shield down. So for my next appointment I'm supposed to write a hate letter to R and bring it with me. I'm supposed to let all of those angry, hatred emotions come out in this letter and write away. She wants it to be as if I would be mailing it to him, but I won't be. I'm not looking forward to this at all, but know I have to do it and have it done by Friday afternoon.

Ugh. Wish me luck!

Flickr

Oh, if you haven't noticed down below and ------------------------>
I've been playing around w/ flickr photos and actually figured out how to link to them show they show up on my blog and stuff. I'm so glad I found flickr.

Still fightin' the Allergies

They are still kicking my butt, too. I've been feeling blah all week. Sorta weak, but mostly just battling drainage problems. Haven't had much of an appetite either. I suppose that isn't a horrible thing, but I'd like to lose weight the "right" way. ha ha

We picked up my new bicycle Tuesday evening and Eric is supposed to get his today or tomorrow, so I know we will be hitting the trails this weekend. I'm excited to start riding my bike. I originally thought I was going to ride to work and home, but everyone is so worried and Eric has promised to ride several times a week, so I guess that's ok. We were hoping to get to the gym before work this week, but with my allergies I haven't been up to it, so hopefully we can get back to that next week.

Tomorrow is my second therapy session and I'm ready. One thing I've noticed in the last week is my anxiety. Last week she asked me where I felt the anxiety and I said my stomach b/c normally my nerves cause stomach problems, however last Friday I felt it in my chest and up high, so I guess it's both.

Good news! Remember a while back when I came up with the tat idea? Well, it looks like I should be going next week! I'm super excited and anxious to get it done. I've been watching "Miami*Ink" or "In*ked" when I catch it lately on TV, so I'll be glad when I can get mine done and enjoy it insead of drooling over other people's. ha ha

I'll update tomorrow after my appointment. I hope we accomplish something tomorrow. :D

Happy Birthday to Our 1 Yr. Old Piece of Chocolate

Godiva - 1 Yr. Old
Originally uploaded by Mrs-T.

Can you believe she's 1 whole year old today? It seems like just yesterday she was just a wee little thing bouncing around making us question whether we got a puppy or bunny! It's amazing to me how much she's grown. From a wee 9 pounds when we got her to nearly 90 pounds now.

We even bought some frosty paws for a little party tonight. hee hee

Labor Day Weekend Update

I woke up with a sore throat on Friday and new what was coming. Within 24 hours my allergies would take over. I got off work early, ran home and changed, picked up my sister from her dorm and we headed to Turkey Run for my aunt's wedding. It was a nice wedding overall. It was good to get everyone together for a little happier time. Of course it was sad, too b/c Matt wasn't with us. On our way to the chapel we stopped for some pics...


Here's my sister Ashlee, Mom and me.


Danialle joined in on this one.


Mom, Me, & Eric


Me & Eric


I suppose you might want to see the Bride & Groom


What do I say about this pic??? This was on our way back to the reception. I was being funny and didn't even read the plaque that told about the statue. hee hee Do you find anything interesting about this pic??? Well, I've decided that little "spot" to the right of my legs is a spirit orb of my brother. I felt him there at different times during the night.

Anyway we danced and had some drinks and really had a good time overall.

By the time we got home I knew my allergies were really kicking me in the ass.

Saturday I tried to sleep in, but was having problems breathing and had a horrible sinus headache. I spent the majority of the day on the couch.

On Sunday we got up early and got ready. I was still feeling bad, so Eric cleaned the house for me. Eric's parents arrived shortly after noon and we chatted for a bit then headed to C'ville for a cookout on my dad's side. My cousin Chadd hosted it and it was really nice. I really cherish the times we get to spend with family now.

After we left the cookout, we stopped at Matt's grave. I talked with him for a while and of course cried. They have marked the ground where the headstone will go, but we don't know when it will be put out. On our way back home we put the cross up at Matt's crash site. It was nice to finally get that done and put up.


Today has been another lazy day. I'm feeling a little better, but decided to take it easy before I go back to work. We did go out to get groceries and dinner.

Thank goodness its only a 4-day work week.

Therapy Session #1

So yesterday afternoon I went to my first therapy session. I felt a knot in my stomach most of the day and I was really nervous about starting again. Now I'm glad I did. Yesterday's session was basically her getting my history. I could tell my the look on her face when I started going through the line-up that she knew my family was fucked up and she got confused several times when referring back to them. hee hee

Something interesting that we talked about was that I play the mother role in my family. I want the control and everyone comes to me for their problems. I allow them to and it puts a ton more stress on me. I already knew this, but it was interesting hearing it from an outsider's point of view. She said I needed to tell them that I am hear to listen, but that if it gets to much for me, then it was ok to just say I can't take anymore. I'm stressed too and that's what I talk to my therapist about and you need to do the same. She asked me to look at the situation and tell her if I thought it was ok. The situation being me in the mother role. It was my mom's job not mine. I knew this but my mom hasn't been a good mom to any of us, thus why I've taken on the role. I need to step aside and let her get back into that role as being our mom.

We talked about Eric and she said that I was neglecting my duties as his wife in many areas b/c of the depression I am facing w/ my family. She said one day, even though he is patient right now, he will wear thin and eventually give me the ultimatum of him or my family. She also thinks that the majority of my problem w/ IF is stress and depression, which I have said for a long time.

She also said it sounds like my family abuses prescription drugs. I told her about how my mom, aunt, and grams all convince their doctors to be put on anti-depressants (ADs) and don't receive the therapy that SHOULD go along with it. They also abuse men Not my grams, but definitely my mom and aunt. She assumed w/out my telling her that my mom had at least had drug and alcohol problems. She has an addictive personality for the wrong things.

We talked about my brother and some things that bothered me that I had not gotten closure from, but after talking about it w/ her I got a good feeling. Almost like Matt was listening and saying, "I know, Erica, I know".

I could have talked to her for another hour at least, but I'm sure I'll have more to say next week. She was impressed that I blogged/journaled and told me to try to blog at least once a day. Also to work on setting my family straight w/ bringing me into the middle of things. That shouldn't be too hard b/c I was working on it before Matt died, but just lost it all when he died. One thing I have to come back with next week is what my goals for therapy are and what I want to get out of it. The last thing we discussed was drugs and I told her I didn't want to go that route at least right now. That the only reason I went on them when I was in counseling 3 years ago was b/c after a couple of months I wasn't getting the grip and agreed that I needed to "come down" a bit to find that grip. And even then I wasn't on them too long. I'm not totally against drugs, but I think you need to at least try to find peace w/in yourself first. If you can't then drugs can help bring you down to where you able to find it.