Therapy Session #1

So yesterday afternoon I went to my first therapy session. I felt a knot in my stomach most of the day and I was really nervous about starting again. Now I'm glad I did. Yesterday's session was basically her getting my history. I could tell my the look on her face when I started going through the line-up that she knew my family was fucked up and she got confused several times when referring back to them. hee hee

Something interesting that we talked about was that I play the mother role in my family. I want the control and everyone comes to me for their problems. I allow them to and it puts a ton more stress on me. I already knew this, but it was interesting hearing it from an outsider's point of view. She said I needed to tell them that I am hear to listen, but that if it gets to much for me, then it was ok to just say I can't take anymore. I'm stressed too and that's what I talk to my therapist about and you need to do the same. She asked me to look at the situation and tell her if I thought it was ok. The situation being me in the mother role. It was my mom's job not mine. I knew this but my mom hasn't been a good mom to any of us, thus why I've taken on the role. I need to step aside and let her get back into that role as being our mom.

We talked about Eric and she said that I was neglecting my duties as his wife in many areas b/c of the depression I am facing w/ my family. She said one day, even though he is patient right now, he will wear thin and eventually give me the ultimatum of him or my family. She also thinks that the majority of my problem w/ IF is stress and depression, which I have said for a long time.

She also said it sounds like my family abuses prescription drugs. I told her about how my mom, aunt, and grams all convince their doctors to be put on anti-depressants (ADs) and don't receive the therapy that SHOULD go along with it. They also abuse men Not my grams, but definitely my mom and aunt. She assumed w/out my telling her that my mom had at least had drug and alcohol problems. She has an addictive personality for the wrong things.

We talked about my brother and some things that bothered me that I had not gotten closure from, but after talking about it w/ her I got a good feeling. Almost like Matt was listening and saying, "I know, Erica, I know".

I could have talked to her for another hour at least, but I'm sure I'll have more to say next week. She was impressed that I blogged/journaled and told me to try to blog at least once a day. Also to work on setting my family straight w/ bringing me into the middle of things. That shouldn't be too hard b/c I was working on it before Matt died, but just lost it all when he died. One thing I have to come back with next week is what my goals for therapy are and what I want to get out of it. The last thing we discussed was drugs and I told her I didn't want to go that route at least right now. That the only reason I went on them when I was in counseling 3 years ago was b/c after a couple of months I wasn't getting the grip and agreed that I needed to "come down" a bit to find that grip. And even then I wasn't on them too long. I'm not totally against drugs, but I think you need to at least try to find peace w/in yourself first. If you can't then drugs can help bring you down to where you able to find it.